Resolutions

Of all things. I may file a complaint. The Falloonian Elders never intended that I face such an indecency. I can’t find a word in my Galactic Universal Translator to describe the insult.

No matter how my GUT responds, I guess I’ll make an attempt to follow instructions my host has given me. That is to prepare a list of something he calls “New Year’s Resolutions.”

He says they serve to make a person better. How could I become any better? Here are his suggestions.

- Don’t assume the shape of Stephen Miller again. The neighbor’s kids are having nightmares and cows at a nearby dairy still refuse to give milk.

- Don’t leave Falloonian films like Dephraslinko Duzetwiph++ Dallstron IV on Big Dope’s laptop.

- Don’t practice Falloonian recipes in Mrs. Big Dope’s kitchen.

- Don’t mention Michael Vick around Demon Dog again.

- Don’t get Left Head to drink green tea and ask him to sing.

- Don’t send anymore nude photos of me, as a very prominent lady, with fan letters to Franklin Graham.

- And, finally, stop with things like answering the door as Fred Rogers.

Not a word, you will notice about weight loss and getting into shape. Besides, he banned me from the gym after what he calls “that Roadrunner stunt.”

Must go. My GUT is bothering me.