Saturday, December 21, 2019


Do I have to be careful or what? Take this morning for example. I got in trouble for trusting my GUT, my Galactic Universal Translator. I maintain my innocence. See what you think, dear reader.

Big Dope constantly loses his wife. That’s partly because he loses things and partly because she’s a diminutive person and moves in random and undetectable movements, like some distant star which we can’t see but we discern its presence by the movement of other celestial bodies toward it.

Big Dope is walking around looking for his wife and can’t find her anywhere. I’m in my usual early morning shape of Arnold Awesome watching a Bowery Boys movie. He interrupts my act of minding my own business and asks if I’ve seen her.

“Nope. Want me to look for her?” Sometimes she hides from him early in the morning because he goes around singing old church hymns, and that gets on her nerves something awful.

“Nah,” he says. “I guess the Rapture has occurred.”

“The rapture?”

“Don’t you know anything? Look it up.”

I go back to the movie. Halfway through it, guess who walks by looking for her husband? I disavow any knowledge and go back to watching Huntz Hall and the gang.

“I guess he thinks I have disappeared forever again,” she says.

I make the mistake of trusting my GUT to try and help. “You may be right,” I say, “he did mention something concerning a feeling of intense pleasure or joy.”

Now I’m on what they call “double secret probation” and can’t watch TV for the rest of the day.

What did I do? I can’t seem to acquire or secure anything as a result of a contest, conflict, bet, or other endeavor no matter how hard I try. Oh, and those celestial bodies that we can't see but we know are there? The Falloonians discovered your planet by a similar, but opposite, phenomenon. We knew you were here from the sight of so many other bodies moving away from you.

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