Monday, September 21, 2015

Ask the Alien: September 21, 2015

Dear Alien:
I so much want to be part of the crowd on social media. I know the best and fastest way to do this is to post cute-cat videos. This should be no problem for me as I have four cats and a nice video camera. I have one problem, however. None of my cats are cute. In fact, they are all surly, lazy, and self-centered, spending the entire day eating or sleeping, not a cute move among them. I have considered swapping them for others, but my friends' cats are worse. I've had them watch movies that might induce them to levity, but except for some rather listless "high-fives" when Old Yeller died, nothing. Any advice?

Dear Perplexed:
Hmm. Cute cats. Have you tried beautifying them with makeup? Now that's funny. Not the makeup, but the process of your trying to apply it. Have a friend ready with the camera, grab one of your hitherto un-jocular felines and pop out the lipstick. Make sure you have a second camera and operator standing by to film the reactions of the other cats. Put your dogs out of doors. Their howling and guffawing could be a distraction.
I've heard cats are partial to your cocktail known as a "Grasshopper." Be careful though, an evening's jollity may not be equal to a day dealing with cat hangovers. Nasty. Nasty.
Have you considered paying them? Cats are one of the most mercenary creatures on your planet.
Avoid the clichés such as the cat-in-a-bikini, the cat with sunglass, the cat with a hat, etc., although I haven't to date seen a cat wearing a Greek fisherman's hat. But, on second thought, maybe not.
All else failing, print off, and leave lying around, some food recipes from Asian countries in which cats are considered a delicacy and just happen to mention that those people don't think cats are very cute. You'll have one doing Groucho Marx in no time.
Your friend.
The Alien C.W.
It still makes me laugh to think that someone
on your planet thought this was cute. - C.W.

1 comment:

  1. Ask an Alien
    How does all that (2 tons per month) Heroin get from the Afghan to Philly (where I live)? As an alien, CW must know if nonhumans are getting this toxic material past the NSA.