I so much want to be part of the crowd on social media. I know the best and fastest way to do this is to post cute-cat videos. This should be no problem for me as I have four cats and a nice video camera. I have one problem, however. None of my cats are cute. In fact, they are all surly, lazy, and self-centered, spending the entire day eating or sleeping, not a cute move among them. I have considered swapping them for others, but my friends' cats are worse. I've had them watch movies that might induce them to levity, but except for some rather listless "high-fives" when Old Yeller died, nothing. Any advice?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed:
Hmm. Cute cats. Have you tried beautifying them with makeup? Now that's funny. Not the makeup, but the process of your trying to apply it. Have a friend ready with the camera, grab one of your hitherto un-jocular felines and pop out the lipstick. Make sure you have a second camera and operator standing by to film the reactions of the other cats. Put your dogs out of doors. Their howling and guffawing could be a distraction.
I've heard cats are partial to your cocktail known as a "Grasshopper." Be careful though, an evening's jollity may not be equal to a day dealing with cat hangovers. Nasty. Nasty.
Have you considered paying them? Cats are one of the most mercenary creatures on your planet.
Avoid the clichés such as the cat-in-a-bikini, the cat with sunglass, the cat with a hat, etc., although I haven't to date seen a cat wearing a Greek fisherman's hat. But, on second thought, maybe not.
All else failing, print off, and leave lying around, some food recipes from Asian countries in which cats are considered a delicacy and just happen to mention that those people don't think cats are very cute. You'll have one doing Groucho Marx in no time.
Your friend.
The Alien C.W.
www.wattensawpress.com
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It still makes me laugh to think that someone on your planet thought this was cute. - C.W. |
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