C. W. had been on my computer this morning. I found this.
My New Year’s firm decisions to do or not to do something
for 2014
I will not get on Mrs. Big Dope’s Facebook page and “friend”
people who “like” Fox News.
I will not us my pongodaschft
for niciglidtyme. (Editor’s note: I’ll have to get my translator
and get back with you).
I will not, while in human form, grab my chest and fall to
the ground when a drunken neighbor near the farm fires his high-powered rifle.
I will not steal Big Dope’s car while shaped like him and
carrying his driver’s license.
I will never again tell his mother-in-law that he once did
time but that doesn’t make a boy all bad.
I will not bring that woman home, ever, ever, ever, ever
again.
I will quit ordering items for her from “Victoria’s Secret”
and having them sent in Mrs. Big Dope’s name.
I will quit writing fan letters to "Big Bang's" Penny.
I will quit writing fan letters to "Big Bang's" Penny.
I will cease posing as a traveling “revival preacher.”
I will tell Mrs. Big Dope that: (1) I can communicate with animals,
(2) am responsible for those “incidents,” (3) but I will not do it again.
I will never again, for fun, hide the TV remote, add rum to
the oatmeal, or raise the toilet seat and leave it when no one is looking.
I will confess to the Falloonian Elders that Big Dope is
really not a Pro Football Hall of Fame member, a Nobel Peace Prize recipient, a
famous author (although he is working on that), or a former husband of one of the
Kardashian women.
I will apologize to the principal at that “white-flight” middle
school (even though he was just as much to blame as I was) and I will never
again pose as Rush Limbaugh. (Hell, it was funny, though).
I will apply for my own credit card.
I will tell the Jehovah's Witnesses lady that I was just
kidding, same goes for the Tea Party man and recruiting sergeant.
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It is hard to think of ways to improve when you live with someone like Big Dope. - C.W. |
I will cease reporting to the lady at the Veteran’s Hospital
weight-loss clinic when Big Dope has one of his “Mexican Martinis.”
I will never again comment on Mrs. Big Dope’s appearance
when she first gets up in the morning and I will cease the playing of “Reveille.”
As for the incident with the armadillo, I don’t admit to it
but, if I had, I wouldn’t do it again.
I will be nicer about signing autographs for fans and
followers.
In short:
I will try harder to abide by the Alien Visitation
Agreement.
-The Alien C.W.
December 29, 2013
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