Sunday, December 29, 2013

182. Resolutions

C. W. had been on my computer this morning. I found this.


My New Year’s firm decisions to do or not to do something for 2014

I will not get on Mrs. Big Dope’s Facebook page and “friend” people who “like” Fox News.

I will not us my pongodaschft for niciglidtyme. (Editor’s note: I’ll have to get my translator and get back with you).

I will not, while in human form, grab my chest and fall to the ground when a drunken neighbor near the farm fires his high-powered rifle.

I will not steal Big Dope’s car while shaped like him and carrying his driver’s license.

I will never again tell his mother-in-law that he once did time but that doesn’t make a boy all bad.

I will not bring that woman home, ever, ever, ever, ever again.

I will quit ordering items for her from “Victoria’s Secret” and having them sent in Mrs. Big Dope’s name.

I will quit writing fan letters to "Big Bang's" Penny.

I will cease posing as a traveling “revival preacher.”

I will tell Mrs. Big Dope that: (1) I can communicate with animals, (2) am responsible for those “incidents,” (3) but I will not do it again.

I will never again, for fun, hide the TV remote, add rum to the oatmeal, or raise the toilet seat and leave it when no one is looking.

I will confess to the Falloonian Elders that Big Dope is really not a Pro Football Hall of Fame member, a Nobel Peace Prize recipient, a famous author (although he is working on that), or a former husband of one of the Kardashian women.

I will apologize to the principal at that “white-flight” middle school (even though he was just as much to blame as I was) and I will never again pose as Rush Limbaugh. (Hell, it was funny, though).

I will apply for my own credit card.

I will tell the Jehovah's Witnesses lady that I was just kidding, same goes for the Tea Party man and recruiting sergeant.

It is hard to think of ways to improve when
you live with someone like Big Dope. - C.W.
I will cease reporting to the lady at the Veteran’s Hospital weight-loss clinic when Big Dope has one of his “Mexican Martinis.”

I will never again comment on Mrs. Big Dope’s appearance when she first gets up in the morning and I will cease the playing of “Reveille.”

As for the incident with the armadillo, I don’t admit to it but, if I had, I wouldn’t do it again.

I will be nicer about signing autographs for fans and followers.

In short:

I will try harder to abide by the Alien Visitation Agreement.

-The Alien C.W.

December 29, 2013

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