Sunday, December 29, 2013

182. Resolutions

C. W. had been on my computer this morning. I found this.


My New Year’s firm decisions to do or not to do something for 2014

I will not get on Mrs. Big Dope’s Facebook page and “friend” people who “like” Fox News.

I will not us my pongodaschft for niciglidtyme. (Editor’s note: I’ll have to get my translator and get back with you).

I will not, while in human form, grab my chest and fall to the ground when a drunken neighbor near the farm fires his high-powered rifle.

I will not steal Big Dope’s car while shaped like him and carrying his driver’s license.

I will never again tell his mother-in-law that he once did time but that doesn’t make a boy all bad.

I will not bring that woman home, ever, ever, ever, ever again.

I will quit ordering items for her from “Victoria’s Secret” and having them sent in Mrs. Big Dope’s name.

I will quit writing fan letters to "Big Bang's" Penny.

I will cease posing as a traveling “revival preacher.”

I will tell Mrs. Big Dope that: (1) I can communicate with animals, (2) am responsible for those “incidents,” (3) but I will not do it again.

I will never again, for fun, hide the TV remote, add rum to the oatmeal, or raise the toilet seat and leave it when no one is looking.

I will confess to the Falloonian Elders that Big Dope is really not a Pro Football Hall of Fame member, a Nobel Peace Prize recipient, a famous author (although he is working on that), or a former husband of one of the Kardashian women.

I will apologize to the principal at that “white-flight” middle school (even though he was just as much to blame as I was) and I will never again pose as Rush Limbaugh. (Hell, it was funny, though).

I will apply for my own credit card.

I will tell the Jehovah's Witnesses lady that I was just kidding, same goes for the Tea Party man and recruiting sergeant.

It is hard to think of ways to improve when
you live with someone like Big Dope. - C.W.
I will cease reporting to the lady at the Veteran’s Hospital weight-loss clinic when Big Dope has one of his “Mexican Martinis.”

I will never again comment on Mrs. Big Dope’s appearance when she first gets up in the morning and I will cease the playing of “Reveille.”

As for the incident with the armadillo, I don’t admit to it but, if I had, I wouldn’t do it again.

I will be nicer about signing autographs for fans and followers.

In short:

I will try harder to abide by the Alien Visitation Agreement.

-The Alien C.W.

December 29, 2013

1 comment:

  1. It has been football games online in e-mail striking with. Facebook gives the right amount of privacy and control to any person who makes an account. Advertising your creation on Facebook is a great way to show your other friends how much you care, and it will make your friend feel special. So before you play this game buying cheap Facebook poker chips is a must. Tilt-to-play games are to i - Devices what minigames are to the Nintendo Wii - they are everywhere