193. Contests

As the faithful reader knows, C.W. takes on more than a few obnoxious forms. One of his most irritating, though, is Paulie the Pundit, or as he likes to call himself, “TV’s Golden Man.”

It’s understandable then, that I wasn’t overjoyed to see him.

I was trying to master computer-aided drafting when he ambled in looking like he had just returned from a week at the family home in Kennebunkport.

“Wassup?” he said.

I cursed silently when a computer command that had worked four straight times refused to acknowledge my existence on the fifth.

 “I’ve been talking to folks,” he said.

“Son of a bitch,” I said—to the computer, not to him.

“I said I’ve been talking to people.”

“That’s nice.”

He said, “Know what they tell me?”

“That you shouldn’t bother people while they’re concentrating?”

“You know the last two postings—mine and yours?”

“That’s nice,” I said, half listening.

“I won.”

“Won what?”

“My last posting was better than yours.”

That stopped me. I hit “save” and looked up. “I didn’t know it was a contest.”

“Everything is a contest,” he said. “Don’t you watch television?”

“As a last resort.”

“Your species demands winners and losers for some reason.” He sat beside me. “And I need a new show to glorify some folks and humiliate others.” He pointed to my computer. “I bet I could work that program better than you. Wanna try me?”

“No,” I said. “No contests today. I’m going to do some yard work here at the farm.”

“Yard work,” he said with excitement. “Great occasion for a contest. I’ll get another team and we can race them getting a job done. We’ll feature the winners on TV.”

“A contest featuring yard work? Might as well have one renovating a kitchen.”

He sighed. “Haven’t you seen the “Do It Yourself” channel lately?”

“No,” I said, “I’ve been writing a book.”

“Great idea,” he said. “They have this neat contest to see who can write a book the fastest. Maybe you could be a ‘winner’ at something before you check out.”

I returned my attention to the computer.

“Or,” he said. “You could debate someone on television. You might not be such a loser at that.”

“A debate?” I said.

“Yeah,” just like the political candidates.”

“And who decides who is the winner and who is the loser?”

He looked offended. “Why we pundits, of course.” Then he said, “You’re no fun. Where is Mrs. Big Dope?”

“I think she is fixing supper,” I said.

“Cooking,” he said, clapping his hands together. “What a great idea for a contest.” Then he thought. “Maybe not. I’m not sure I would like to be around her if someone labeled her ‘a loser’ on national TV.”

“I think you are learning a few things while you are on our planet,” I said.

Don't you love the look on a loser's face? - C.W.

“What else does she like to do?”

“She likes to sew.”

“Sewing,” he said with glee. “What a great way to find winners and losers. Maybe she could be a judge.”

“I think I’ll go read a book.”

“I bet I can read faster than you,” he said.

I gave him the international gesture meaning “mind your own business.”

“Loser,” he said as he wandered out of the room.

 

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Shopping

Dear Friends and Followers

Big Dope is out “fat walking” so I take this opportunity to communicate.

As a public service, I am preparing a draft re-write of the Arkansas Criminal Code. I could use suggestions for §(a)(B).201-Shopping. An example: for the crime of blocking the aisle in a supermarket while talking on a cell phone, should the punishment be a few years of hard time or a long sentence of house arrest? Another: for parking with one set of tires on the line of the parking stall, would 500 hours of community service be sufficient? I’m thinking a six-month sentence for the crime of waiting until the cashier announces your total before beginning to rummage in a purse looking for a checkbook or a wallet for a credit card. Fair? Men shopping without a Certificate of Graduation from Husband School would be permanently barred from the venue, freeing up a lot of everyone’s time. Sound appropriate?

Finally: I am proposing that the following be posted at conspicuous locations in all stores.

 

RULES FOR SHOPPER BEHAVIOR

1. IF YOUR POSTERIOR IS WIDER THAN YOUR SHOPPING CART, PLEASE WALK SIDEWAYS THROUGH THE AISLES.

2. PLEASE KEEP ALL WEAPONS CONCEALED UNLESS ACUALLY OBSERVING A SHOPLIFTING IN PROGRESS..

3. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DISCUSSING THE FOLLOWING ON CELL PHONES AS YOU SHOP:

- VISITS TO PHYSICIANS

- PREGNANCIES

- ARRESTS OF CHILDREN

- SORRY HUSBANDS

- BOWEL MOVEMENTS

- SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN GENERAL; FREQUENCY THEREOF IN PARTICULAR

4.  THIS STORE IS NOT OBLIGATED TO STOCK ANY ITEM OR BRAND THAT YOU MAY HAVE PURCHASED PREVIOUSLY SO DON’T ASK.  (WALMART OUTLETS ONLY)

5.   A MAXIMUM OF FIVE CHILDREN MAY RIDE IN A SHOPPING CART AT ONE TIME.

6.  SHOPPERS TASTE-TESTING FRUIT SHOULD NOT RETURN PEELS, CORES, SEEDS, OR OTHER REMNANTS  INTO THE DISPLAY BINS.

7.  PLEASE TAKE WRAPPERS FROM CANDY CONSUMED BY YOUR CHILDREN WHILE SHOPPING TO THE CASHIER TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR AT  CHECKOUT.

8.  PLEASE COVER ALL TATTOOS EXPRESSING DEATH THREATS TOWARD THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHILE SHOPPING AT THIS STORE.

9.  PLEASE REFRAIN FROM CONVERSING WITH OTHER SHOPPERS WHILE CHECKING OUT.

10. PRACTICAL JOKES SUCH AS PLACEMENT OF CONDOMS, LAXATIVES, OR FEMALE UNDERGARMENTS IN ANOTHER’S CART ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.

As always, I wish you a feeling of happiness day. (Editor’s note: He, of course, means “pleasant”).

Remember: it is vital that you get a
clear line of fire when making
a "Citizen's Kill." - C.W.

Your Friend.

C.W.

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192. Controversies

It is said that hope springs eternal. That seems to be the case with C.W. as he is determined to “suddenly attack it bountiful,” as he puts it.

“And just how do you propose to strike it rich this time,” I said as he appeared in one of his favorite forms, Richie the member of the Young Conservatives of America.

“Easy,” he said, straightening his club tie. “I’m starting a charter school corporation."

“And?”

“It will be designed for children of parents who fear the advance of knowledge.”

“Your conservative friends.”

“Without vaguess.”

“Exactly what will you teach?”

“Controversies.”

“Controversies?”

“Controversies. In fact the name will be Controversy Charters Incorporated.”

“You must be kidding me.”

“Why would I make you a baby goat?"

“No,” I said, “you can’t be serious.”

“Why not? Your species seems addicted to alternate versions of the truth. I’m simply filling a demand.”

“That’s what Al Capone said.”

“Who?”

“Never mind. What makes you think you could be paid to teach alternate versions of the truth?”

He said, “Didn’t your own state just award a charter to a company that had used in its curriculum a mythical version of science, something called ‘creationism?’”

“Seems I read that.”

“Interesting,” he said, producing a set of notes. “That myth has, in itself evolved, no pun intended.”

“Evolved?”

“Yes,’ he said, reading. “It began as something called ‘creation science,’ then evolved into ‘creationism,’ then into ‘evidence against evolution,’ then ‘intelligent design,’ and finally, ‘teach the controversy’ and it has all generated a great deal of merriment within the Galaxy.”

“I’m glad we provide a service,” I said. “So what controversies will you teach?”

“Glad you asked,” he said, handing me a sheet spelling out the course curriculum, I read:

Unicorns: Nonexistant or Just Shy?

Earth: Round or Do We Just See it That Way?

Introduction to Witch Identification

Earth-Sun Revolution Realities—The Day the Earth Really Stood Still

Air and Water Pollution: Nature's Character Builders

The Life and Death of Paul McCartney

Moon Landing Conspiracies

 

Preparing Guardian Angels for Tsunamis

Osama Bin Laden: Comparative Theories

Anti-Christ Identification: The Clinton-Obama Controversies

Contrails: Government Plot or Alien Panspermation?

I said, “Maybe you should tread lightly on the alien angle.”

“Hmm.” He took the sheet from me and made a notation. “Maybe we’ll move that to ‘Advanced Placement,’ along with the 9-11 Controversies.”

I groaned. He said, “Got to go. Can I borrow your car? I have to pick up a man at the airport from Liberty University.”

This would seem even more hilarious to the Galaxy
if so many of your species didn't believe that your
Civil War wasn't about slavery. - C.W.

I must have looked confused.

“He’s bringing plans for the new building.”

“New building? You’re constructing a new school building?”

“Yes.” He beamed and smiled. “It’s going to be a replica of Noah’s Ark, with the stalls serving as classrooms.”

I slumped into a chair. “Beam me up, Scotty,” I said.

He frowned. “Don’t be silly,” he said. “You know that could never work.” His face brightened. “You know that,” he said, “and I know that.” He began to make notes. “But they don’t know that.” He looked away, thought for a few seconds, and resumed writing. “Tele-transportation—How The Government Keeps it a Secret.” He thanked me, took my keys, and ran out the door singing “Happy Days Are Here Again.”

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Friends:

Sad news today. The liberal blogger at www.bartcop.com died. He was one of C.W.'s favorites and he is deeply saddened, as am I. Barcop's greatest gift to me occurred during the great George W. Bush News Blackout following the American attack on Iraq. Major news outlets in the U.S. had been threatened, cajoled, or fooled (by telling reporters they could dress up in soldier costumes and ride in the back of military convoys if they wouldn’t report anything of substance) into a “U.S.A, U.S.A” chorus of non-news. One could, however, get a feel for what was happening by scouring outlets like The Guardian, Le Monde, Al Jazeera, and—yes—Bartcop. He could be caustic, opinionated, and over the top at times, but I will always be grateful for being assured, during that dark, dark, moment in American history, that there were still some people in my country who hadn’t gone bat-shit crazy.

Big Dope

C.W.

 

 

191.Investments

Friends and Followers:

Big Dope is working on his “taxes” and is not in a talkative mood, so I take this time to file a report to the Falloonian Elders on a related topic, investments. I will prepare it in your language, (in which I have attained a high degree of a quality or state of having great facility). I welcome your help.

INVESTMENTS: THE EARTHING APPROACH TO FINANCIAL HEALTH

Unlike our planet, Earthlings developed no mandated provision for planetary-wide care of the elderly or unblessed. Each sub-unit of government seems free to devise its own system of care, or neglect thereof.

Some ignore it completely.

Some do provide care, but this is rare.

Some delegate the responsibility to an unseen spirit.

Some allow the issue to be settled by physical violence.

In my region, individuals receive a basic government allowance during what they laughingly refer to as “their golden years.” It is based on the amount of salary they received during their productive period. Thus, the child of a wealthy person who receives a high level of education and training will receive a larger allotment than someone who toiled at the lower end of the salary spectrum.

This is all quite complicated. Please don’t ask me to explain.

Some individuals receive an allotment from the employer for whom they worked. This

concept, however, is being phased out and is no longer considered valid. It was an approach supported by something they called “the labor movement” which is also being phased out.

Americans, you have noticed, delight in the process of phasing out programs that have proven effective.

This all leads to the concept of investing. Those in my region must make up the difference in what their social allotment pays and what they figure they will need in those “golden years.” They do this in several ways.

Some continue to work.

Some receive what they call “gap financing” from their children.

Some rely on what they call their “investments.” These may appear in the form of units of ownership in corporations, called stocks, or equities. This approach contains a high level of both risk and return. Some rely on a concept called “interest” that involves receiving a fee for loaning funds to a corporation or unit of government. This method is safe but is also being phased out.

Retirement in my region
can be quite pleasant,
if one is wealthy. - C.W.

For most, their investment consists entirely of the value of the container wherein they dwell. I know this seems odd, but it is true.

In order to inject further realism into this report, I was able to obtain a statement from my Earth Host about his personal approach to investing. He was not maintaining a paradigm of cooperation at the time, but my pleading produced this rather terse statement.

“During the Bush Recession, We began shifting our investments into equities. In the prosperous years of President Clinton, one could do well with safe, fixed-income securities. No more. We live simply, raise our own food, make most of our furniture, and enjoy a double-digit annual return on our investment portfolios. The reason? Corporations are making a killing, what with their government subsidies, stagnant wages, tax-free offshore accounts, and a media frenzy espousing a “conspicuous consumption,” credit-based mentality. So, we will get cozier, the wealthy will get rich, the rich will get richer, and the one percent will get to be the .01 percent. We’ll try to help some at the bottom and not worry about those in between who—because they only worry about guns, gays, and women—vote for those who will destroy their future. Some say, “It will all crash when the bricks start to fly.” That’s true, but we’ll be in Costa Rica by then, or beyond caring at any rate.”

I will make an attempt to translate this in an expanded report.

Chawawa++.0936
Earth Name: C.W.