191.Investments

Friends and Followers:

Big Dope is working on his “taxes” and is not in a talkative mood, so I take this time to file a report to the Falloonian Elders on a related topic, investments. I will prepare it in your language, (in which I have attained a high degree of a quality or state of having great facility). I welcome your help.

INVESTMENTS: THE EARTHING APPROACH TO FINANCIAL HEALTH

Unlike our planet, Earthlings developed no mandated provision for planetary-wide care of the elderly or unblessed. Each sub-unit of government seems free to devise its own system of care, or neglect thereof.

Some ignore it completely.

Some do provide care, but this is rare.

Some delegate the responsibility to an unseen spirit.

Some allow the issue to be settled by physical violence.

In my region, individuals receive a basic government allowance during what they laughingly refer to as “their golden years.” It is based on the amount of salary they received during their productive period. Thus, the child of a wealthy person who receives a high level of education and training will receive a larger allotment than someone who toiled at the lower end of the salary spectrum.

This is all quite complicated. Please don’t ask me to explain.

Some individuals receive an allotment from the employer for whom they worked. This

concept, however, is being phased out and is no longer considered valid. It was an approach supported by something they called “the labor movement” which is also being phased out.

Americans, you have noticed, delight in the process of phasing out programs that have proven effective.

This all leads to the concept of investing. Those in my region must make up the difference in what their social allotment pays and what they figure they will need in those “golden years.” They do this in several ways.

Some continue to work.

Some receive what they call “gap financing” from their children.

Some rely on what they call their “investments.” These may appear in the form of units of ownership in corporations, called stocks, or equities. This approach contains a high level of both risk and return. Some rely on a concept called “interest” that involves receiving a fee for loaning funds to a corporation or unit of government. This method is safe but is also being phased out.

Retirement in my region
can be quite pleasant,
if one is wealthy. - C.W.

For most, their investment consists entirely of the value of the container wherein they dwell. I know this seems odd, but it is true.

In order to inject further realism into this report, I was able to obtain a statement from my Earth Host about his personal approach to investing. He was not maintaining a paradigm of cooperation at the time, but my pleading produced this rather terse statement.

“During the Bush Recession, We began shifting our investments into equities. In the prosperous years of President Clinton, one could do well with safe, fixed-income securities. No more. We live simply, raise our own food, make most of our furniture, and enjoy a double-digit annual return on our investment portfolios. The reason? Corporations are making a killing, what with their government subsidies, stagnant wages, tax-free offshore accounts, and a media frenzy espousing a “conspicuous consumption,” credit-based mentality. So, we will get cozier, the wealthy will get rich, the rich will get richer, and the one percent will get to be the .01 percent. We’ll try to help some at the bottom and not worry about those in between who—because they only worry about guns, gays, and women—vote for those who will destroy their future. Some say, “It will all crash when the bricks start to fly.” That’s true, but we’ll be in Costa Rica by then, or beyond caring at any rate.”

I will make an attempt to translate this in an expanded report.

Chawawa++.0936
Earth Name: C.W.

Affluenza

Friends and Followers:

Please someone help me. I am trying to explain a troubling news story (Click here)  to the Falloonian Elders. Can someone please tell me what “affluenza” is? Are the rich above the law in your society because of it? Would there be a contrasting disease called “povertilosis” that would excuse poor people from criminal activity? Please, my Cannacopawitit glands are smoking.

Sometimes I have to defend your species from
charges of pervasive insanity and my words
are not equal to the task. - C.W.

(Editor’s note: He refers to a condition in which a Falloonian’s mental processing facilities become overloaded and malfunction. Remember how Captain Kirk would defeat a logical mind by introducing illogic?)
If you have any explanation whatsoever, please comment below.
Oh, and please click on an ad. It makes Big Dope (who doesn't suffer from "affuenza" in the least) a little money.
The Alien C.W.

77. End Times

If you remember, some time ago C.W. decided he wanted to learn to drive. Since then, he proudly announced to me one day that he had procured a driver’s license.

Don’t ask.

At any rate, it was hardly a surprise when he showed up in the country wanting to borrow a pickup truck. I have to admit that he looked quite trustworthy. He was in the form of a nice looking young man in western attire, including cowboy boots, jeans, and a flannel shirt.

Still, there was no way I was going to trust an alien to drive one of my vehicles. But I was curious to know what he wanted with a pickup truck.

“I’m collecting loot,” he said.

“Loot?”

“Lots of loot.”

“What kind of loot?

“Mostly guitars and stuff. Some banjos and a fiddle or two.

“And where are you getting it?"

He looked a little sheepish.

“Where?” I insisted.

From folks who trust the Mayans.”

“That do what?”

“Folks who believe that the Mayans acurately predicted that the world would end this year.”

“And?”

“Look, I have to go. Can I borrow the truck or not?”

”No, and what does needing a pickup truck have to do with the Mayans?”

“Oh nothing. Do you know anyone else that might have one?”

“C.W.?”

“What?”

“Give.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

But I wasn’t going to let him get away so easily. “Where are you getting stuff to haul in a truck?”

He looked at the ground and then back at me. “Well, some people are giving their things away because they think the world is going to end.”

“And what makes them think the world is going to end?”

“Because the Mayans said so.” He grinned. “It’s been in all the news.”

“And what do you believe?”

“I believe it is a good time to collect some loot.”

“Because?”

“Because some people don’t think they will be needing it any longer. Look, you should be buying up property all over.”

“C.W.”

“Now listen here,” he said. “You and I have talked before about the tendency that some members of your species have for believing any weird and strange thing they are told.”

“And?”

“Why shouldn’t I profit from it? Everyone else does.”

“If everyone else drove their spaceship over a cliff, would you do it too?”

The faithful are gathering for the end of times.
Will you be there? - C.W.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Never mind.” I said. “Have you been involved in any other way?”

He avoided eye contact.

“C.W.?”

“Well I did publish a video.”

“You did what?”

“A video,” he said. “But it’s okay.”

“And why is it okay?”

“Cause I put your name on it.”

And sure enough, he did. Click here if you would like to see it.

26. Math

It was early morning and I was taking my walk in anticipation of a nice plate of eggs and grits at the end. It was cool, and a low-hanging fog was sliding up from the Arkansas River onto the park around the William Jefferson Clinton library and park. It was a good morning for thinking of past loves, Bob Dylan songs, and homemade bread.

Off in the distance, I could see a figure through the fog, sitting in a hunched position on one of the park benches. It was off the walking path, so I ignored it until I heard someone calling.

“Mr. … Mr. ... come here. You want math lesson?”

I looked toward the voice and was surprised to see an elderly Chinese man with a large, pork-pie hat working with intensity over what appeared to be an abacus. I decided to ignore him.

“No, no, come here please, mister.” He yelled insistently, and though it was morning, I feared he might attract attention, so I walked over. He thrust the abacus toward me with a grin.

It was C.W.

“Hey sailor,” he said.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Giving math lessons. Can’t you see?”

“Math lessons?”

“Ah, quite so, young mister.” He assumed his character’s voice.

“Why are you giving math lessons? And to whom?”

“Your species is severely lacking in analytical skills. We discuss before.”

“So?”

“Not to worry. Low analytical skills just make TV preachers rich. But lacking math skills make you destitute.”

“How so?” He had my curiosity aroused.

“Look,” he said, and pulled a news-clipping from a file beneath the abacus.

I glanced at the article, which I had read a few days earlier. It reported that the United States Treasury had issued bonds offering a negative return as the latest insult in a long period of low interest on savings.

“That’s something, isn’t it?” I said.

He relaxed. “It’s not going to get your species into the Intergalactic Math Bowl,” he said. “What’s the idea behind this latest brain atmospheric disturbance?”

“Brainstorm?”

“Whatever.” C.W. loves to pick up mannerisms from young people, sometimes forgetting his present shape.

“Best I can figure is this,” I said, trying to put on my best pundit’s face. “In a Corporatocracy such as ours, it is vital that corporations— our deities—receive cash infusions. We must place our savings in the stock market, and not in fixed-income instruments. So we offer no return on them. It’s a financial strategy known as ‘nudging,' as in out of fixed-income savings and into the stock market.’”

“Is that all?”

“Well, there is the additional fact that U.S. Treasury instruments are the safest investments in the world.”

“Oh,” he said and smiled. “So your money is safe while it slowly disappears.”

“Or, you put it in the stock market.”

“Ah,” he resumed his character. “Then you have ‘preasure’ of watching it quickly disappear.”

“More or less.”

He fiddled with his abacus. Then looked up at me.

“Most civilizations in the galaxy would, at best, use your species for cleaning sewage conduits,” he said.