Sunday, March 9, 2014

192. Controversies

It is said that hope springs eternal. That seems to be the case with C.W. as he is determined to “suddenly attack it bountiful,” as he puts it.

“And just how do you propose to strike it rich this time,” I said as he appeared in one of his favorite forms, Richie the member of the Young Conservatives of America.

“Easy,” he said, straightening his club tie. “I’m starting a charter school corporation."


“It will be designed for children of parents who fear the advance of knowledge.”

“Your conservative friends.”

“Without vaguess.”

“Exactly what will you teach?”



“Controversies. In fact the name will be Controversy Charters Incorporated.”

“You must be kidding me.”

“Why would I make you a baby goat?"

“No,” I said, “you can’t be serious.”

“Why not? Your species seems addicted to alternate versions of the truth. I’m simply filling a demand.”

“That’s what Al Capone said.”


“Never mind. What makes you think you could be paid to teach alternate versions of the truth?”

He said, “Didn’t your own state just award a charter to a company that had used in its curriculum a mythical version of science, something called ‘creationism?’”

“Seems I read that.”

“Interesting,” he said, producing a set of notes. “That myth has, in itself evolved, no pun intended.”


“Yes,’ he said, reading. “It began as something called ‘creation science,’ then evolved into ‘creationism,’ then into ‘evidence against evolution,’ then ‘intelligent design,’ and finally, ‘teach the controversy’ and it has all generated a great deal of merriment within the Galaxy.”

“I’m glad we provide a service,” I said. “So what controversies will you teach?”

“Glad you asked,” he said, handing me a sheet spelling out the course curriculum, I read:

Unicorns: Nonexistant or Just Shy?

Earth: Round or Do We Just See it That Way?

Introduction to Witch Identification

Earth-Sun Revolution Realities—The Day the Earth Really Stood Still

Air and Water Pollution: Nature's Character Builders

The Life and Death of Paul McCartney

Moon Landing Conspiracies
Preparing Guardian Angels for Tsunamis

Osama Bin Laden: Comparative Theories

Anti-Christ Identification: The Clinton-Obama Controversies

Contrails: Government Plot or Alien Panspermation?

I said, “Maybe you should tread lightly on the alien angle.”

“Hmm.” He took the sheet from me and made a notation. “Maybe we’ll move that to ‘Advanced Placement,’ along with the 9-11 Controversies.”

I groaned. He said, “Got to go. Can I borrow your car? I have to pick up a man at the airport from Liberty University.”

This would seem even more hilarious to the Galaxy
if so many of your species didn't believe that your
Civil War wasn't about slavery. - C.W.
I must have looked confused.

“He’s bringing plans for the new building.”

“New building? You’re constructing a new school building?”

“Yes.” He beamed and smiled. “It’s going to be a replica of Noah’s Ark, with the stalls serving as classrooms.”

I slumped into a chair. “Beam me up, Scotty,” I said.

He frowned. “Don’t be silly,” he said. “You know that could never work.” His face brightened. “You know that,” he said, “and I know that.” He began to make notes. “But they don’t know that.” He looked away, thought for a few seconds, and resumed writing. “Tele-transportation—How The Government Keeps it a Secret.” He thanked me, took my keys, and ran out the door singing “Happy Days Are Here Again.”

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