Sunday, March 23, 2014

194. Salvation

C.W. was bubbling over with enthusiasm. He showed up as I was enjoying a late evening martini and he was in a state of undisguised enthusiasm. He had taken on the form of one of those TV evangelists that preach the so-called “Prosperity Gospel,” I can’t think of his name right now but it’s the one from Houston with all the teeth.

“Where have you been?” I said.

“Walking to and fro upon the earth,” he said, flashing a smile.

I returned to my martini.

“Do you really want to know?”

Before I could answer, he kept talking. “I have some great news for you.”

I set the glass on a table and said, “And that is?”

“I’ve been busy all day.”

I waited.

“Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing?”

“I’m all ears.”

He looked puzzled. “Tell me,” I said.

He gave me a syrupy smile, one of those he knows I detest when he appears in this form. “I spent the day in an Intergalactic Conference Call.”

“A what?”

“I was in communication with the Falloonian Elders and the other leaders of the Terspellian Ten.”


“I was summoned,” he said.


“Want to know why?”


“They had put your planet on the ‘re-spermiation List’ again.”

I said. “What the hell is re-spermiation?”

His smile dropped. “You don’t want to know,” he said darkly. Then the smile was back. “But I saved you again.”

I was beginning to understand. “What did we do this time?”


“What the hell is that?”

He retreated into thought. I could almost hear his Galactic Universal Translator hum. “In your vernacular? I would say it means, roughly, ‘too stupid to live.’”

I groaned. “What did we do this time? Have they been monitoring Fox News again?”

“No,” he said. “Oddly enough it was your CNN this time.”

“And what happened?”

“An airliner disappeared, as you may have heard.”

“I did,” I said. “Nobody has discovered yet what happened or where it is.”

“That’s just it,” he said with a broad smile. “Aren’t you glad that I’m here to be your friend?”

“What did CNN do?”

“Now,” he said. “we understand that it is presented as a legitimate news outlet, not a parody like the other one you mentioned.”

“The network claims to be a legitimate news source,” I said in agreement.

“Then you can imagine the agitation among the Terspellian Ten.”

“Over what?”

“Over a spot in which one of their news analysts interviewed someone claiming to have psychic powers that could locate the missing airliner.”

“They interviewed a psychic on the air to determine the fate of the missing airliner?”

“In exact terms; without vagueness.”

Then maybe we precisely deserve re-spermiation, or whatever you call it.”

“Oh,” he said, flashing that ridiculous smile. “Don’t worry. I saved you.”

“How?” I was skeptical.

“I presented convincing proof that life on your planet has only a few more years before it will self-adjust.”

A day spent saving the world is a
happy one for all. - C.W.

“You don’t want to know.”

“So you bought us time?”

“It’s a wonderful day when we provide joy to others,” he said.

“Well,” I said. “I guess we should thank you for all your hard work.”

“Oh,” he said “I didn’t do anything. The work was already done.”

“By whom.”

“Someone named Al Gore.”

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