“Where have you been?” I said.
“Walking to and fro upon the earth,” he said, flashing a
smile.
I returned to my martini.
“Do you really want to know?”
Before I could answer, he kept talking. “I have some great
news for you.”
I set the glass on a table and said, “And that is?”
“I’ve been busy all day.”
I waited.
“Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing?”
“I’m all ears.”
He looked puzzled. “Tell me,” I said.
He gave me a syrupy smile, one of those he knows I detest
when he appears in this form. “I spent the day in an Intergalactic Conference
Call.”
“A what?”
“I was in communication with the Falloonian Elders and the
other leaders of the Terspellian Ten.”
“And?"
“I was summoned,” he said.
“Oh.”
“Want to know why?”
“Sure.”
“They had put your planet on the ‘re-spermiation List’
again.”
I said. “What the hell is re-spermiation?”
His smile dropped. “You don’t want to know,” he said darkly.
Then the smile was back. “But I saved you again.”
I was beginning to understand. “What did we do this time?”
“Stidombassistica.”
“What the hell is that?”
He retreated into thought. I could almost hear his Galactic
Universal Translator hum. “In your vernacular? I would say it means, roughly,
‘too stupid to live.’”
I groaned. “What did we do this time? Have they been
monitoring Fox News again?”
“No,” he said. “Oddly enough it was your CNN this time.”
“And what happened?”
“An airliner disappeared, as you may have heard.”
“I did,” I said. “Nobody has discovered yet what happened or
where it is.”
“That’s just it,” he said with a broad smile. “Aren’t you
glad that I’m here to be your friend?”
“What did CNN do?”
“Now,” he said. “we understand that it is presented as a legitimate
news outlet, not a parody like the other one you mentioned.”
“The network claims to be a legitimate news source,” I said
in agreement.
“Then you can imagine the agitation among the Terspellian
Ten.”
“Over what?”
“Over a spot in which one of their news analysts interviewed
someone claiming to have psychic powers that could locate the missing airliner.”
“They interviewed a psychic on the air to determine the fate of the missing airliner?”
“In exact terms; without vagueness.”
Then maybe we precisely deserve re-spermiation, or whatever you call it.”
“Oh,” he said, flashing that ridiculous smile. “Don’t worry.
I saved you.”
“How?” I was skeptical.
“I presented convincing proof that life on your planet has
only a few more years before it will self-adjust.”
A day spent saving the world is a happy one for all. - C.W. |
“Self-adjust?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“So you bought us time?”
“It’s a wonderful day when we provide joy to others,” he said.
“Well,” I said. “I guess we should thank you for all your
hard work.”
“Oh,” he said “I didn’t do anything. The work was already
done.”
“By whom.”
“Someone named Al Gore.”
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