“Right now, for example,” he was saying, “we are playing a
game called ‘America As a Movie Line,’ and having a great time.”
“America as a what?”
“A movie line. We’ve been forced to review thousands of your
films. So we’re pretending that we were asked by the Elders to describe you
Earthlings in one line from a popular movie. What would you answer?’
“I have no idea,” I said.
“Our West coast rep thinks you are a rather violent, he
calls it ‘truculent,’ society.”
“Oh,” I said, “so what is his choice of a line to describe
us?”
“He picked a good one, a very describing or classifying
without expressing feelings or judging one.”
His Galactic Universal Translator was giving him problems
again. “And what ‘descriptive’ one did he pick?.”
“Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch.”
“That’s a good one all right.”
“But,” he said, “it’s not as good as the one from over in
Dallas,”
“Well,” I said. “And what impresses the rep there?”
“The politics of that state.”
“So the choice is?”
“The Horror! The Horror!”
“Oh my,” I said.
“The rep northwest of here thinks you live in a crazy fantasy
world.”
“A what?”
“A fantasy world in which wealth trickles down, the wealthy
know better, sexuality is a personal choice that can be altered at will, race
determines behavior, …”
“I get the picture,” I said. “So what is his chosen line?”
“You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!”
I nodded.
“Now our Northeast rep thinks you are too afraid of reality.”
“His line?”
“You can’t handle the truth.”
“I see,” I said, but I wished I hadn’t.
“I think,” C.W. said, “that our East coast rep is a little
harsh.”
“Really? And what is his line?”
“Stupid is as stupid does.”
I quickly decided to move the conversation forward. “Any
others?”
“Our rep in the Southeast, all the way down in Miami, is understandably
impressed by your greed.”
So the chosen line is?
“Show me the money.”
“Your people,” I said, “don’t have very high opinion of us.”
“The rep in Chicago does,” he said quickly. “He was very
charitable.”
“And how did he treat us with his chosen line?”
“In Switzerland they had brotherly love and 500 years of
democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”
“We call that ‘damning with faint praise’ if you want to
know the truth,” I said. “But I can hardly wait to hear yours. What impresses
you?”
 |
| You do believe in your heroes. - C.W. |
He pretended to think. “Well,” he said, “you, at least some
of you, do have this tendency, whenever a newsworthy event occurs—say a boy is
caught molesting young girls—to choose sides and place blame on the same groups
of people.”
“Such as?”
“One side blames it all on gay people, atheists, liberals, scientists, immigrants, people of color, college professors, and the like.”
“You’ve been watching that fake news show again, haven’t you?”“Such as?”
“One side blames it all on gay people, atheists, liberals, scientists, immigrants, people of color, college professors, and the like.”
“Only for inspiration,” he said. “Never for news.”
“So,” I said, “after becoming inspired thusly, what line did you choose for them?”
“Round up the usual suspects.”
Click an ad and make me happy. - C.W.
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