Actually, he had taken on the form of that TV evangelist
John Hagee. It was pretty frightening. “What
on earth?” I said.
“Making a list,” he said. “Be quiet or face the wrath of
God.”
Well I certainly didn’t want to risk that, so I sat on the
couch and waited until he had finished a thought.
“There,” he said. “That should about do it.” He looked up at
me.
“Do what?”
“Complete my list of forbidden customers—ones that good Christian
salespeople can no longer serve.” He studied the screen for a second, and
started typing again. “Divorcees,” he said.
“You’re making a list,” I said, “of people that Christians
can’t serve?”
“The Conference commissioned me,” he said. “Badly needed
now. Badly needed. Lots of sin going on in these end-times.”
“And the point is?”
He grimaced. “Can’t risk a good Christian selling goods or
services to the wicked and damned,” he said. “Might be contagious. Just like
those ‘homo-weddings’ that the Bible wouldn’t allow.”
“You mentioned divorcees,” I said.
“Oh yes. Hell a lot of those wicked folks running around
wanting to do business with the sanctified.”
“Divorcees?”
“Don’t you read your Bible? Christ was real clear about
that.” He pointed to a large-print Bible belonging to my mother-in-law. “Right
there in Matthew Nine, ‘I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except
for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.’ Christ
himself said it then, and I’m telling you now,” he said with a smug expression,
“we can’t have us godly folks serving such base sinners.”
“Jesus never married,” I said, “so he didn’t have to face that
possibility.”
“Never married,” he said. “Neither did any of those who
traveled with him. They were, uh, celibate.”
“I see,” I said. “Anyone else on your list?”
“Well,” he said, “Pharisees. Jesus didn’t much care for
them.”
“So your people shouldn’t serve Jews.”
“Just the Rabbis,” he said. “The others are okay.” He
thought for a moment, “Besides, we need to keep them alive until we need them.”
I let this one go. “And the rich?”
“What about them?”
“I seem to remember,” I said, “that Jesus was pretty hard on
the rich.”
“Oh,” he said. “That’s all taken out of context and
overblown. Besides … they’re the ones with the money. Can’t quit serving us, … I
mean … them.”
“Anyone who has ever made fun of a bald-headed man?”
“Yes,” he said excitedly as he began pounding on the
computer again. “Thanks.”
“Let’s get back to this adultery thing,” I said.
“Let’s,” he said.
“So any couple who may have lived together before marriage
or …,” I struggled with the words.
“Played the little ‘in-out’ game before they got hitched,”
he said, laughing.
“Quite,” I said.
The laugh went away. “No can serve,” he said.
“Uh,” I said, “isn’t that pretty strict?”
“The Bible is the Bible,” he said. “I don’t make the rules.
It says that if you can’t go without sex—absolutely can’t go without it for another
day—you have to get married to do it, but you shouldn’t anyway because there
isn’t a lot of time for such nonsense before the world ends.”
“When was that said, and by whom?”
“Um,” he said, looking at his notes, “About two thousand
years ago. Paul said it, or maybe it was his partner Timothy. They traveled together
and their notes got mixed.”
“His partner?”
“Now look,” he said, “If you’re going to be a thorn in my
side, you can just leave.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I’m terribly interested. Just what are you
calling your list?”
“Ah,” he said. “I have chosen a wonderful name: ‘A Holy
Omissions List for Evangelist Salespeople.'”
“Oh my,” I said.
“Yes,” he said, “I call it my AHOLES list.”
I didn’t say another word.
 |
| I just don't understand why some people think Jesus wouldn't like rich folks. This man is rich and he claims Jesus loves him a lot. - C.W. |
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