Sunday, June 22, 2014

206. Tools

Sometimes I worry about C.W. He’s on this kick to get a new computer (I gave him my old one but he is offended). So he comes up with some new money-making scheme almost every day. This one is a doozy.

When he announced it to me, I first thought he had appeared in the shape of Joe McCarthy, the infamous senator from Wisconsin. But, on closer inspection, he was in the shape of a freshman senator from Texas who wants to be the modern reincarnation of "Tail-Gunner Joe" and bears a striking resemblance.

Anyway, the new business idea grew from a speech the Senator’s father made in which he stated that our country needed to quit being “politically correct” and start being “biblically correct.”

“So,” C.W. announced proudly, “my new business—and this is the best yet—will be called, “Scriptural Heavenly Inspirational Tools’ and it will make me a fortune. I’ll have all the computers I want.”

“Uh, C.W.,” I said, “I don’t know what you will be selling, but you may want to reconsider the name of your business.”


I had to explain it three times before he understood. He then said, “We’ll just call it ‘Scriptural Tools’ for short.”

“And you will sell what?”

“Compliance things made or adapted for a particular purpose.”

“And what will these ‘compliance devices’ do?”

“Help make you biblical.” He smiled, and as I was considering this, he reached into a sample case he had with him. He produced a folding stick much like those canes used by the visually impaired. Only this one had a leather-bound handle, was thick at the bottom and tapered to a flexible metal end. He waved it through air menacingly. “Here’s one,” he said proudly. “I call it the ‘Spare Not Obedience Tool’ and it will be a hard currency bovine—cheap to make, easy to sell, and popular with the masses.”

This time I didn’t tell him.

“Here,” he said, producing a box stating that it contained ‘wife organizing software’ and guaranteeing the owner that he would never lose track of any of his wives again. “Have as many wives as you want and never misplace any of them.”

“Thanks. One has proven plenty,” I said. “But then I’ve never been that religious.”

He immediately placed it in the case and pulled another software box out for review. “This one,” he said, “will be sold by special order only … to military men.”

When we make women in America wear veils, it will
become increasingly difficult to keep them organized. - C.W.
I looked. The package showed a provocative photo of a girl of about thirteen posed seductively in a bed of pillows. Its title was Midianite Maidens—The Reason We Fight. “Why the military alone will buy these by the hundreds of thousands,” he said brightly.

“C.W.,” I said. “I must admit. Of all the crazy schemes you have had, this one just might work.”

“So,” he said lifting his chin, “no comments about it being hirsutely-cranial?”

“Not hair-brained at all. Just very biblical.”

“Oh,” he said. “You have made my day. Now let me show you my plans for a back-yard execution post for rebellious children.”
I need that new computer so click on some ads. - C.W.

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