Ask The Alien: Science and Logic

Dear Ask the Alien:
My brother is saving every cent he can find to pay for joining an expedition to find something called Noah's Arc. Supposedly, he says, a pair of every species on our planet lived on it for weeks during a worldwide flood that killed all other living creatures. He says modern scientific methods will now guide the expedition to it. He is becoming obsessed. What can I do?
Signed,
Distressed

Dear Distressed:
You might point out to him that they might find it, by simple mapping and without travel expense, by simultaneously re-tracing the DNA trails of all living species and the fossil trails of the extinct ones. The converging lines should lead them right to it. If it doesn't, you might suggest that he enroll in a community college that offers a course in logic.
Your Friend,
The Alien C.W.

291. Seriousness

We were walking along talking when C.W. turned and asked a strange question. He was in the form of Ozzie Nelson, one of his favorites.

Don’t ask.

At any rate, he turned quite somber and seemed to take a long time framing his question.

“Why,” he said, “does your species not take itself more seriously?”

“Say what?”

“More seriously. You seem to make a joke of the most vital aspects of your existence. Politicians become entertainers. Spiritual leaders become greedy hate-mongers, or start passing deadly snakes to one another. Physicians dream up imaginary syndromes, allergies, and disorders in order to make money. Your pharmacists join them in an unholy symbiosis. You force educators to become test givers. You sedate young people by connecting them with hand-held devices.”

I needed to escape from this line of talk. “Don’t your Falloonian teenagers have cell phones?”

“Our gestation period is not as long as yours,” he said. “It’s the longest in the galaxy,” he said, avoiding my question.

“The what?”

“Homo sapiens. They have the longest gestation period in the galaxy. I’ve recorded it as long as 30 years before your offspring are cast off to survive alone.”

“But …”

He interrupted. “And there is an alarmingly high rate of recidivism beginning to develop.”

I tacked the sails of our conversation. “But what makes you think we don’t take ourselves seriously?”

“Oh please,” he said. “Read the news.”

I bristled. “But I do.”

“Then, about whom do you read?”

“Well, there’s the President. And the Pope. And foreign leaders. And prominent artists.”

“And the Kardashians. And the professional players of children’s games. And the commentators on that fake news channel. And people who have been driven insane by your so-called religions, including the ones who worship firearms. And people pretending to be political candidates in order to become wealthy. And people who think cats are cute. And …”

“Now wait a minute,” I said. “You’re being unfair.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Unfair in my analysis?”

“Yes. You aren’t taking this conversation seriously.”

“Exactly how am I not taking this conversation seriously?”

“Well,” I said. “Some cats are cute.”

“Mrs. Big Dope makes you say that.”

“Well,? I said. “It …”

Now who, in his right mind, would say
that these are more fun to watch than
someone like Bill Moyers? I ask you. - C.W.

“I understand,”  he said. “But to my original point. Equal billing is equal billing.”

I hate it when he gets like this.

He continued. “Your attention- span arcs from the sublime—a Neil deGrasse Tyson—to the pathetic—say that half-witted and sexually promiscuous daughter of a failed political candidate.”

“Bristol Palin,” I said, almost absentmindedly.

“See,” he said. “Your mind identified her immediately as a person of interest.”

“Are you trying to torture me?” I said.

“No,” he said. “Your species seems quite capable of undertaking that task on its own.

 Please click some ads. I need a new cell phone. Oh, and see www.wattensawpress.com
And ... www.allhatnocattle.com

Finally, buy Big Dope's book so he'll shut up about it.
- C.W.

Available at major on-line retailers, or
www.wattensawpress.com

Ask the Alien: Smuggling

Dear Ask The Alien
How does all that (2 tons per month) Heroin get from the Afghan to Philly (where I live)? As an alien, you must know if nonhumans are getting this toxic material past the NSA.
Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
First, allow me to dispel an odious rumor. NSA agents are not aliens. They, particularly their TSA cousins, scarcely ever exhibit the Alien-like characteristics of charm, poise, empathy, intelligence and good humor. No, they are ordinary Americans. Now, as far as nonhumans getting the material into the country, have you considered the never-ending stream of congressional fact finding missions to the Middle East?
Your Friend,
The Alien C.W.

Ask the Alien: Addiction

Dear Ask The Alien:

My teen-aged son has become addicted to watching a program on cable TV called Fox News. I fear this will have a long-term negative effect on his mental health. I suspect that his interest has to do with the fact that all the female actors on the show are attractive blonds. In fact, my son has taken to draping a large blanket over him while he watches. Nothing on my part seems to work. For example, yesterday I told him that I had read where watching that particular channel would make a person stupid and that he should stop watching it—stop it immediately. He looked at me with that precious face and said. “Can I just do it until I need remedial English?” Any advice?

Signed,

You know, I think I need to do more research on this channel.
Anyone know where I might find it? - C.W.

Distraught

Dear Distraught:

You have taken the wrong approach. Teenagers embrace stupidity. They don’t eschew it. Have you listened to their music? For better results, tell him that you read where watching the show causes acne.
Your Friend,
The Alien C.W.

See also www.wattensawpress.com
www.allhatnocattle.com

Ask the Alien: Insanity

Dear Ask The Alien:
My Husband drives me crazy. Any suggestions?
Signed:
Losing It.

Dear Losing It:
You haven't told me how long this has been going on. My research shows that this phenomenon can begin as early as the honeymoon when a husband first reveals the list of, shall we say, intimacy techniques, that he has dreamed of since his high school days. Or it may develop slowly in behavior such as the continued practice of sticking his fork into his cheek when an attractive young female walks by. I have even heard that it can develop in the so-called "golden years" with a developing habit of responding to any and all comments or questions with a dumbfounded "Huh?"
Of course if the problem is more serious such as the habit of hiding fruit in his nightstand in the fear that you may begin starving him, I suggest immediate action. Otherwise, I would simply talk to other women about the problem. In all likelihood, you will find you aren't so bad off after all.
Your Friend,
The Alien C.W.