I awoke this morning, a couple of
days before Christmas, to find C.W. in the guise of the most innocent-looking 10
year old boy you could imagine. He was sitting cross-legged in the floor
writing furiously on a Big Chief Tablet and looked up as if he had been caught
in the act and the act wasn’t a good one.
“Don’t tell me,” I said.
“Hello Mr. Big Dope, I mean, good
morning sir.”
My antennae immediately went on full
alert. “We are being a little polite this morning, aren’t we?”
“I don’t know what you mean, sir,”
he said as he continued to write. “I pride myself on being nice to everyone.”
“Hmmm.”
“In fact,” he said. “I am preparing
these two lists called ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ as a recap of the past year, see?”
He held the tablet so I could see it.
The list called ‘nice’ filled several pages while the ‘naughty’ list lacked a
single entry.
“I should say that is a pretty fair
record for the year, wouldn’t you?”
“One moment,” I said, going to my
computer. As I fired it up, he began to squirm.
“What are you doing, sir?”
“Just checking a few of your e-mail
records.”
“Oh,” he said. “No need. I already
checked them.”
“Really?” I said. “How about this
one. ‘Dear Todd Aiken: I am attaching a circular from the National Institute of
Physiology that you might find helpful in preparing your campaign interviews.’”
“So?”
“The National Institute of
Physiology?”
“I sort of made that up,” he said,
adding ‘overactive imagination’ to the ‘naughty’ list.
“Or this one, ‘Dear Mr. Zuckerberg:
I love Facebook and think it would be great for you to take its stock public so
I, and other small investors, could feel ownership.’”
“So, I was wrong.”
“How about this one: ‘Dear Mr.
Romney, I am attaching a Google Earth Map of the Middle East showing the canal through
Syria that provides Iran access to the sea.’”
“They don’t allow geography in
school anymore.”
“How about math?” I said. “Dear Mr.
Rove: You might find the attached polling data from the Southeastern
Headquarters for Institutional Training helpful in your punditry.’”
“Now that was funny,” he said. “I
don’t care who you are.”
“Well,” I said. “This one wasn’t: ‘Dear
President Obama: Next time you talk to President Putin, why don’t you tell him
that you will have more flexibility in foreign relations during your second
term?’”
“Well he will, won’t he?”
“Undoubtedly.” I scrolled through
files. “And what is this expenditure I found for a video camera that you
purchased for Jimmy Carter’s grandson?”
“So I am generous.”
“Never mean-spirited?”
“Never,” he said indignantly.
“So, ‘Dear Learning Channel: I think
it would be highly educational to develop a reality television show featuring a
semi-literate redneck family with a chubby, child beauty pageant, contestant as
its star’ is not mean-spirited?”
“Your species loves it some
illiterate rednecks.”
“You should be ashamed.”
“Well, all those were sometime back.
Maybe I have reformed.”
 |
People should do as Mr. Big Dope
does and use my advice at
their own peril. - C.W. |
“Oh really,” I said. “How about this
one from a week ago. ‘Dear Mr. LaPierre: I am a student in elementary school
and I would feel safer if everyone that goes to school or teaches there would
carry a gun. Could you help me get the message out?’”
“I was only trying to be helpful.”
“I rather gather that you aren’t
expecting any presents this year” I said.
“What? What did I do?”
