Ahhh. I’ve had a whole week off from C.W. He’s trying his
hand at consulting. Somehow, he got a gig working on the re-organization of our
state government. I guess he finished since he showed back up this morning. As
I figured, he was still in the form of Reggie the Young Conservative.
“I’m bushed,” he said. “I thought getting rid of old-timey
government would be easy.”
“Oh?”
“Government is hard,” he said.
“That’s what I’ve always heard.”
“Who said it would be easy?”
I looked at him. “Uh,” I said. “Your pals?”
“Well,” he said, sipping a latte he had brought with him. “I
did my part.”
“Which was?”
“My assignment was to reduce the number of state agencies.”
“And?”
“I got it down to six.”
“Which were?”
“One,” he said, holding up a finger, “The Department of Tax
Cuts.”
“The what?”
“It’s a ‘sunset department.’ Self-liquidating. It’ll be gone
in three years, max.”
“Say what?”
“Two,” he said. “the Department of Energy Consumption.”
“Which does what?”
He smiled. “Well let’s just say you won't see any more of
those solar panels or windmills dotting our landscape.”
“Are you nuts?”
“Three: The Department of Payroll and Expenditures.”
“Oh no.”
“Yes,” he said. “Have to. The governor’s wife has expensive
tastes and his pals need jobs.”
“What kind of jobs?”
“Four: The Department of Peace and Quiet. I saved us loads of money there.”
“How?”
“For one, no more state police. The cities have to take care
of their portion of the highways. Same with jails. We’ll tell them who we don’t
want associating with the good folks and the city of origin will take care of
rounding up, and herding in, and keeping them from public view.”
“I guess next is a department for education.”
“Don’t be silly,” he said. “Walmart will take care of that.”
“How?”
“They’ll add classrooms onto their stores. Sort of a ‘drop them
off to learn while you shop’ arrangement. Each employee will take a shift
teaching.”
“Teaching them what?”
“All they need to know.”
“Which is?”
“How to greet, stock, sweep, watch over the auto checkouts,
run computers, and compute profits.”
 |
| The legislators in charge of reorganization rejoice upon completion of their work. - C.W. |
“What about history and math and language skills?”
This time he looked at me funny. “Are you crazy?”
“No, but I’m beginning to think I’m living in an asylum.”
“That brings me to number Five, the Department of Emergency
Care.”
“The what?”
“Emergency care. Our Health and Welfare Committee decided
that was all the care we really needed and the various emergency rooms around
the state will provide that. All our department will have to do is print and
distribute directions to the emergency rooms along with parking instructions.”
“Any more departments?’
“Six: The Department of Truck and Commuter Mobility. Want to
hear about it?”
“I don’t think so.”
“That’s about it,” he said, with a noticeable display of
pride. “The Guv says it will be the smoothest operating government this side of
Somalia.”
“With only six departments?”
“And a few agencies. The largest will be run by a group of evangelical
ministers: The Agency for Funny Acting Groups.”
“And they will?”
“Funny you should ask, I happen to have their mission
statement here.” He took a folded page from his coat pocket, opened it, and
scanned the contents. “Here is the main part,” he said. Then he read, “our
mission will have been completed when our state is cleansed of deviants, those
who would take from the wholesome and give to the unworthy, teach unilateral
forgiveness to our youth, wander jobless throughout our state, cohabitate with
individuals of the same sex, and refuse treatment of, or cure for, such
ailments as a thorn in their side.” He folded the paper. “Neat huh? We’re
thinking of having that carved in granite and placed on the state capitol
grounds.”
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