Honor

Dear friends:
Perhaps someone can explain it to me. People in Big Dope's home state of Arkansas may choose to celebrate the birthday of either of two men today. One was known for honor, grace, poise, bravery,  daring, and love of his native land. The other was a general who went to war against his own country.
Odd
Your Friend,
C.W.

303. Diplomacy

“Well I think it’s about time we did something about it.”

“What?”

“I don’t know,” C.W. said. “Something.”

“Like what?”

“Anything to stop her.”

“Stop her from what?”

“Whatever she does.”

Oh dear. He and my wife were having another spat—something about leaving dirty dishes in the sink. She actually made him wash some of them and he hates to get his hands wet, claims it is some sort of Falloonian taboo. After she told him where he could put his taboo, things escalated. He immediately assumed the form of that political candidate, the crazy one from Texas. Well then, the crazy one from Texas that makes stuff up as it suits him. No, the other crazy one that makes stuff up. The one who wants to re-institute the draft and invade any country that aggravates us. No, the crazy, lying, warmonger that hates the government and wasn’t ever born in the U.S.A. Yeah, that one.

“We’ll fix her vehicle used for transporting goods or another specified purpose.”

“You don’t,” I said, “need to fix her wagon.”

“I’ll dust her with Falloonian guddramadan dust and make her glow in the dark.”

“Why don’t you just abide by the rules?”

“I graduated from Harvard Law School,” he said. “We don’t abide by the rules. We make them.”

“Why not just sit down and talk to her. You know … discuss things calmly.”

“I tried,” he said. “She wouldn’t listen to me.”

“What did she have to say?”

“Why should I have let her say anything?” he said. “She’s a woman.”

“You wouldn’t apologize, would you?”

He just looked at me.

“Maybe compromise?” I said.

“Do I look like a sissy to you?”

“Try to look at it from her side,” I said. “Maybe you’ll change your mind.”

“A real man doesn’t change his mind.”

“Jesus did.”

“Not,” he said.

“Don’t you remember the Canaanite woman? He compared her to a dog, but she changed his mind and, some say, his entire ministry.”

“That was Jesus,” he said. “You’d expect that from one of those Middle-Easterners.”

“She’s really a nice person if you abide by her rules,” I said.

“Like you do?”

“I slip occasionally.”

“And then?”

“We engage in diplomacy.”

“Meaning you grovel and say you’re sorry.”

“Why don’t you give her a chance?”

“Because,” he said, “I love America too much.”

“You love America?”

“With all my heart and soul.”

“You are a patriot?”

“I took an oath when I was first elected and I’ll not budge from it one centimeter. And that includes apologizing for anything.”

“You love America?”

“Above anything.”

“So maybe you could impress her with your love of country, your patriotism and all.”



He stopped and thought. “Hey,” he said. “Maybe that’s a good idea. I’ll show her that bending to my will would make her a true patriot like me.”

“As John Agar used to say in the science fiction movies,” I said, “it just might work. Why don’t you think on it tonight and try it out first thing in the morning?”

 

He referred to his little slave children
as his "ebony mites." How could we
not celebrate the birthday of a man with
such a sense of humor? - C.W.

“Oh,” he said, “I can’t do it tomorrow.”
 

“Why not?”

“Tomorrow we celebrate Robert E. Lee’s birthday. I’m scheduled to speak to The Sons of The Confederacy.”

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Benefits

Dear Ask The Alien:
My boyfriend says that if I don’t do certain things he wants, I don’t love him. I can’t mention what these things are as this is a family-oriented site, but believe me, it would take some gumption. Excuse me, I’m from the South and if your Galactic Universal Translator won’t tell you what “gumption” means, let me know. Anyway, the fact is: I don’t really love him, but he is rich and popular and has the neatest pickup truck at our high school and takes me fine places and buys me nice things and I wouldn’t want to give all that up. Currently, I'm the envy of my class. So, should I pretend to love him and live the good life, ... in other words, do as he says, be his faithful friend, and keep the benefits?
Signed,
Living In Luxury

Dear Living in Luxury:

Thanks to my pal Big Dope, I know have a better understanding of what “friends with benefits,” means. Oh my. The key word here is “pretend.” And my advice is, don’t do what you suggest. Concentrate on your studies and not on practicing being married. Oh, and by the way, my GUT tells me many things, and I trust it. Please, you trust me. Gumption is good when used properly.
Signed,
The Alien C.W.

Rage

Friends. It always amuses me to hear that so many of you are angry at your government, as if this phenomenon just happened on its own.

302. Conversation

He wandered in while I was working on the computer at our downtown condominium. I really didn’t want conversation but he seemed distraught, at least his chosen personage—a young man of color—seemed distraught.

“What’s up?” I said.

“That’s it,” he said.

“What the heck?”

“There you go again,” he said as he slumped into a chair.

“Are you jackin’ me around or what?”

“Aargh,” he said.

“Why don’t you just chill for a moment,” I said.

“That’s it. I can’t,” he said.

“What’s bugging you,” I said. “Spill.”

“I haven’t understood a word you have said since I came in,” he said.

“You’re sh…,”

“Please don’t,” he said, interrupting. “I’m confused enough already.”

“I can see you have a burr under your saddle,” I said.

“First thing you said when I came in,” he said, “was ‘what’s up?’ as if you couldn’t look there for yourself.”

“The scales are falling off now,” I said. “You don’t like our lingo.” I was beginning to have fun.

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” he said. “It’s just that I’m having an attack of confusion.”

“What set you off?”

“See?”

“What jerked your chain?”

He ignored me. I tried again. “What’s making your mattress so lumpy?” I thought for a moment that he might cry. “Your Idiom Distilling Intergalactic Operational Translator isn’t working, is it? Gone on the blink again?”

“IDIOT,” he said.

“Bingo,” I said. He looked at me funny. “So what,” I said, “has your undies in a wad?”

“Do you mean for me to enlighten you on the cause of my current distress.”

“Give the man a cigar,” I said.

“I don’t smoke cigars.”

“About your troubles,” I said. “Lay it on me.”

He sighed. “It started as I descended in the elevator. It ended with my being called into the Manager’s office and threatened.”

“Get out of town,” I said.

He ignored me. “This quite attractive young woman entered the elevator on the 11^th floor. She was, how do you say, stunningly beautiful.”

“A Ten,” I said.

“No,” he said. “A female.” He stopped and thought. “I forgot. You don’t have multiple species categories here.”

“Oh,” I said. “We do, but we don’t admit it. Let’s just say she was a Ten.”

“Whatever you say,” he said. “Anyway, I had been confused by your language habits since I left you to go walking. Remember what you said to me?”

“Uh, no.”

“You said, ‘See you later alligator,’ as if that might make some sense. I couldn’t get it out of my heads.”

“Let’s don’t talk too much about your multiple heads,” I said. “Anyway, I see,” I said. “So I gave you a verbal ear-worm.”

He looked at me, started to speak, and didn’t.

“Go on,” I said.

“So I transitioned,” he said, “into research-mode.”

“Uh oh,” I said, “dark clouds on the horizon.”

“Where?” he said, turning to look out the windows.

“Never mind,” I said. “So you were out to gain insight into our speech patterns?”

“Precisely,” he said. “Then the elevator stopped on the first floor and my troubles began.”

I nodded. “Trouble follows a seeking mind,” I said. “What happened?”

Big Dope always says that silence is golden.
I think I know what he means, now. - C.W.

“It was a simple matter of clarification,” he said.

“Fill me in.”

“As the door opened, this, this …”

“Goddess,” I said. “I know who you are talking about, but don’t let my wife know.”

He nodded and continued. “This young lady turns to me and says, ‘Have a nice day,’ and started to exit.”

“And?”

“I simply said, ‘Would you really like to see me have a nice day?’ And, as you are fond of saying, all hell broke loose.”

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