278. Optimism

Found C.W. I guess I should more appropriately say I found C.W. looking like a cross between Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp scrolling through my computer. I started to speak, “What the …”

“Shhh,” he said. “I’m busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Trying to find her.” He changed screens. “She’s free, you know.”

“Who?”

“Why Big Bang’s Penny,” he said. “Haven’t you heard?”

“You mean Kaley Cuoco, the actress?”

“No, Big Bang’s Penny.”

“Okay,” I said. “So what about her?”

“She and her husband are divorcing.”

“Oh, and we are happy for what reason?”

He beamed. “I need to let her know that I’m available.”

“C.W.,” I said, “she is an actress who plays a part on television, not a real person.”

“But she is available.”

“The actress will soon be single. That doesn’t mean that she will be available.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Is she lighthearted and carefree, tending toward the happy and good-spirited?”

“She is not 'gay' as far as I know.”

“Well,” he said. “Then I shall send her this letter.” He held a sheet out toward me.

“And what will you say?”

“That I’m willing.”

“You’re willing?”

“Heck yes.”

I groaned. “C.W., you’re an illegal immigrant, a shapeshifter, and a Falloonian. What do you mean you’re willing?”

“I mean a man from outer space could put a smile on her face.” His eyes widened. “Oh …,” he said and turned to type on the computer.

“I’m not even sure that you are a man, if they have such things as male and female on Falloonia.”

He looked up, thought, and tacked. “Why do couples among your culture get divorced?”

“I guess they realize they made a mistake in choosing a mate.”

“Why do they get married again?”

“Optimism, I suppose. They think maybe they’ll get it right the second time.”

“Then why do some get divorced a second time?”

“They choose poorly again?”

“Then remarry?”

I shrugged. “Is this conversation going somewhere?”

“You and Mrs. Big Dope never divorced, did you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“We love and cherish one another, I suppose.”

“That’s not what she says.”

“Oh?”

“I think I remember the phrase, ‘not worth the trouble’ in her explanation.”

“When did she say that?”

He ignored me. ”But back to divorce and remarriage, four times seems a lot for someone, even with your belief in optimism within your species.”
 

“Yes. Four times is a lot.”

“And according to your dominant religion, once is considered a sin?”

“Very much so.”

“Like loving money?”

“Yes.”

“And proclaiming your faith in the public square instead of in your closet?”

“Ditto.”

“And being judgemental?”

I'm optimistic that some women can find the right
mate after one unsuccessful marriage. - C.W.

“Are you going to take up “The Cloth” or something?”

“I already tried that. By the time I got to ‘Blessed are the meek’ half my congregation had walked out. ‘Blessed are the peace-makers’ got the rest of them.” He took a deep breath. “But tell me something.”

“I’ll try.”

He handed me the beginning of a letter he had been writing. “Do you think this will work? I’m betting it will.”

I read. It said, “Earthlings got you down? Look to the Cosmos. Once you go stellar, you’ll not want another feller.”

I was stunned. “You are giving me a headache,” I said. I’m sure you’ll give her one.”

“No,” he said, “I’ll give her the hope that comes from faith in a higher life-form, a real sexy one.”

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Finally, buy Big Dope's book so he'll shut up about it.
- C.W.

Available at major on-line retailers, or
www.wattensawpress.com

Ask the Alien: Careers

Dear Alien:
Our son had, until this week, planned on becoming a porn star, partly because of inclination and partly because of natural attributes. We weren’t ecstatic over his decision but, on the other hand, it elicited a certain amount of family pride and we were so worried that he might otherwise become a hedge fund manager. Our problem is this: after watching television all week—with the news dominated by the Pope’s visit—he now wants to become a priest. Should we be concerned?
Partly Pious

Dear Partly Pious:

I can't see a problem as long as his robes are loose enough.
The Alien C.W.

How can you not love and adore a man who
looks this much like Jim Nabors? - C.W.

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Interesting People

Dear Alien:
I read today of the passing of one of the most interesting baseball players who ever lived. This prompted me to do a search of all the current baseball players. I didn’t find a single one who would, in my opinion, qualify as interesting. I am a young sports writer. Whom will I write about in 50 years?
Worried

Dear Worried:
If you want to write about interesting personalities in future years, take my advice and change to writing about classic Rock and Roll. You’ll always have Keith Richards.
The Alien C.W.

So long. It's been good to know you. - C.W.
 

Ask the Alien: September 21, 2015

Dear Alien:
I so much want to be part of the crowd on social media. I know the best and fastest way to do this is to post cute-cat videos. This should be no problem for me as I have four cats and a nice video camera. I have one problem, however. None of my cats are cute. In fact, they are all surly, lazy, and self-centered, spending the entire day eating or sleeping, not a cute move among them. I have considered swapping them for others, but my friends' cats are worse. I've had them watch movies that might induce them to levity, but except for some rather listless "high-fives" when Old Yeller died, nothing. Any advice?
Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:
Hmm. Cute cats. Have you tried beautifying them with makeup? Now that's funny. Not the makeup, but the process of your trying to apply it. Have a friend ready with the camera, grab one of your hitherto un-jocular felines and pop out the lipstick. Make sure you have a second camera and operator standing by to film the reactions of the other cats. Put your dogs out of doors. Their howling and guffawing could be a distraction.
I've heard cats are partial to your cocktail known as a "Grasshopper." Be careful though, an evening's jollity may not be equal to a day dealing with cat hangovers. Nasty. Nasty.
Have you considered paying them? Cats are one of the most mercenary creatures on your planet.
Avoid the clichés such as the cat-in-a-bikini, the cat with sunglass, the cat with a hat, etc., although I haven't to date seen a cat wearing a Greek fisherman's hat. But, on second thought, maybe not.
All else failing, print off, and leave lying around, some food recipes from Asian countries in which cats are considered a delicacy and just happen to mention that those people don't think cats are very cute. You'll have one doing Groucho Marx in no time.
Your friend.
The Alien C.W.
www.wattensawpress.com

It still makes me laugh to think that someone
on your planet thought this was cute. - C.W.

277. Answers

C.W. may have discovered his true vocation this time, or as he put it recently, “I have found my strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.”

“And,” I said, after thinking this over momentarily, “what do you perceive your ‘calling’ to be?

“I have begun an advice column.”

Now I understood why he appeared as a toned-down version of the actor Morgan Freeman. I couldn’t stop myself from playing along. “And what, exactly, are you going to offer advice about?”

“All things related to living among your species,” he said. “It is one of the most difficult tasks in the Galaxy. There are dynamics difficult even for us to understand, so I suspect it may be impossible for you, yourselves.”

“You think our civilization is complicated and confusing?”

“Sarah Palin,” was all he said.

“I see,” I said. “But how would an outsider like you be in a position to explain it?”

“I am smarter and more analytical than you.”

Upon hearing this, the urge to mention his frequent career changes and seemingly constant stream of reprimands from the Falloonian Elders came to mind, but I withstood it. “So what makes you think you would be successful at this latest endeavor?”

“I sense your cynicism but would invite you know I have already begun, with great results.” With that, he produced the briefcase that he carries around and began to retrieve papers. He thrust one at me. It read:

“Dear Ask the Alien:

“My wife was always a wonderful traveling companion, cheerful, agreeable, and willing to lead a spirited conversation aimed at whiling away the hours of travel. A year ago, however, she purchased a new cell phone that accesses the Internet. I haven’t heard a word from her since. When we travel, she sits and stares at the darned thing, punching messages and laughing to herself. I might as well travel solo. What might I do?” It was signed “Lonely Traveler.”

“Well,” I said. “I can’t imagine problem like that. What advice would you offer?”

“Oh,” he said, “I already have. Here.” He handed me another sheet and I read:

“Dear Lonely Traveler:

“Throw the offending instrument out the window.”

“That’s all?” I said.

“My secret lies in the quality or condition of being easy to understand,” he said.

“Simplicity is one thing,” I said, “suggesting a course of action that could lead to bodily harm is another. Do you have more?”

“Glad you asked,” he said. “Here’s a problem from another person.” I read:

Men: you just have to face facts. There are things in life
 more interesting than you. Many things. Sorry - C.W.

“Dear Ask the Alien:

“My husband was always a wonderful traveling companion, calm, agreeable and even tempered, until recently. We were on a trip, each minding our own affairs, when he suddenly reached over, grabbed my Smart Phone, and threw it over a bridge railing into the Arkansas River. What should I do? The last time I wrote you of a problem, you advised me to ‘cut him off.’ I should tell you that we are in our 70s, so I don’t think that advice will work.” It was signed, “Seeking Revenge.”

“Hmm,” I said. “And your advice?” He handed it to me.

“Dear Seeking Revenge:

“Go to his computer, pull up the browsing history, print it off, and send it to each of his friends and business associates.”

“Man,” I said. “You’re tough.”

“Check this one out,” he said, handing me another. It read:

“Dear Ask the Alien:

“One of my best friends is so excited that he was at last able to marry and have a husband. I am, of course, happy for him. But now he is making a spectacle of himself. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries (monthly), not to mention Valentine’s Day are so extravagantly planned that he is making the rest of us look cheap and tawdry. How can I cool the enthusiasm of this marriage so that it is more like a normal one?” It was signed, “Suffering by Comparison.”

I could hardly wait for the response as he passed it to me. I must say, it was a beaut.

“Dear Suffering:

“Before the next event, tell him in greatest secrecy that you happen to know what his husband wants most as a gift: a banjo.”

You know. I think the Alien may have found his calling at last. Feel free to seek answers for yourselves.

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And ... www.allhatnocattle.com

Finally, buy Big Dope's book so he'll shut up about it.
- C.W.

Available at major on-line retailers, or
www.wattensawpress.com