204. Opportunity

Good news I suppose. C.W. has decided that he won’t enlist in the Army after all. He announced his decision this afternoon. He had assumed one of his most obnoxious shapes. Of course I refer to Richie the Young Conservative. He was wearing a light summer suit of off-white and a pastel tie. His blond hair glistened and his white buck shoes seemed to sparkle. He was, as they say, all agog.

“I’m free,” he said. “Just told Sergeant Goforth no.”

“Not joining up then,” I said. “Why the change of heart?”

“Oh please,” he said, “don’t you read the papers?”

“As a last resort.”

“Haven’t you seen what they did to that poor POW?”

“Who? Us or the Taliban?”

“Oh your species. At least the Taliban only tortured him. Now you are threatening his family as well.”

“So you are not enlisting?”

“Are you serious? A person would have to be out of his mind to join your military.”

“I see. So what is next?”

“I’m going to law school.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m going to be a lawyer.”

“And represent soldiers who get captured by the enemy?”

“Oh, hell no. I’m going to represent churches.”

“Churches?”

“Of course.”

“What churches? Baptist, Methodist, Catholic?”

“Oh hell no. I’ll serve the new ones.”

“What new ones?”

“The new ones that will spring up everywhere after your Paramount Court ruling.”

“And what Supreme Court ruling was that?”

“Oh, it hasn’t happened yet, but it will. Haven’t you heard of Hobby Lobby vs. Sibelius?”

“Seems I have, but enlighten me anyway.”

“That’s the ruling that will say people can decide what laws they will obey and what laws they won’t, based on what their church teaches.”

“Uh, I don’t think it is that simple. Besides, the court may rule the other way.”

“Oh please,” he said, beginning—no, continuing—to annoy me. “they won’t pass up this chance, way too juicy.”

He had a point. He continued. “So we will need new churches with new beliefs and a good lawyer.”

“And,” I said, “assuming, and this is a big assumption, that the ruling goes your way, where do you intend to concentrate?”

Another child on her way to salvation. - C.W.

“I think I’ll start with child abuse. We’ll form a church that knows how to keep kids in line through scriptural teaching.”

“And that is?”

“Folly is bound up inthe heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. That’s from your Book of Proverbs. Just try punishing a parent who adopts that biblical injunction. I’ll be right there.”

“With the church members right behind you.”

“Of course. Now the approach of Exodus may represent a bigger legal challenge. But I think I’ll be up for it.”

“And that one is?”

“Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death.”

“You know you are crazy, don’t you?”

“Oh please. I’m not the one who is crazy. It’s your species.”

He had me there. “I’ve got to go,” I said.

“Go where?”

“To decide between Costa Rica or Nicaragua.”

“Wait,” he said. “I need you to help me design my Church of the Big Pal.”

“And what religious tenant will it feature?”

“Their preachers and their young folks sharing sleepovers.”

 

 

If you click an ad, it will help pay my way through law school. - C.W.

Also check out www.wattensawpress.com

 

Confusion

Dear Friends and Followers:

Big Dope is making me read the daily news and report on it. He says it will help me understand the nature of your species. So far it has had the opposite effect. I am, as is often the case with Americans, unable to think clearly or bewildered. (Editor's note: he means "confused"). Please help if you can.  I have to use his computer and the jerk is coming back in a short while to check on my progress.

Does anyone have the stats on how many of the pundits who are apoplectic over the prisoner exchange currently dominating the news ever served in the military? I have identified Senator John McCain but he was for prisoner exchanges ere he was against them. Are there others?

What if, after reasoned investigation, the worst case is the young man in the news wandered off his post and colluded with the enemy?  He will likely suffer the consequences. Gosh, I found where George W. Bush wandered off his post in the Air National Guard and he wasn’t even in a war zone. Your Supreme Court later elected him President.

Your President Ronald Reagan (illegally it seems) colluded to sell weapons to Iran for funds to (illegally) fund a little private war of his in South America. I sense that some of you would make him a saint.

Is there any American less qualified
 to preach morals to you? - C.W.

Perhaps what your species needs is an “Equal Apoplexy Law,” i.e. what’s unfair for the goose is unfair for the gander, somewhat like Mrs. Big Dope often says.

Oh yes, one of the apoplectics is a man named Oliver North. He did serve in the military but seems to have disgraced it forever by facilitating the aforementioned Iran-Contra arms deal, so he would not seem to count.

 

I saw a comment on Big Dope’s Facebook page the other day where a citizen said he would always vote for a veteran. Perhaps he never heard of Colonel North and the faint smell of sulphur that is said to surround him. I suspect that smell is quite strong in Washington D.C. at present.

Any help would be appreciated.

 

Oh, and clicking on an ad will help me buy my own computer.

Also check out www.wattensawpress.com