Sunday, June 10, 2018

428: Conflicts

In an unusual move, C.W. came waddling into the living room this morning unshaped, that is to say he was in his actual form. That’s always a surprise. He spread himself across the couch as best he could and relaxed. I waited.

“We have a question,” Right Head said.

“Yes, a tough question,” Middle Head said.

“Do you have any ice cream?” Left Head said.

“Is that the question?”

“No,” Middle Head said. He looked at Left Head and back at me. “We have a serious question.”

“I’m your man then,” I said. “Shoot.”

Right Head and Left Head both looked at Middle Head. He looked at Right Head. “You tell him. It’s your problem.”

Right head nodded. “It’s like this,” he said. “This one,” he nodded at Middle Head, “is disrespecting us.”

“He’s being a real asshole,” Left Head said.

“Going out of his way to alienate us,” Right Head said.

“Being a real jerk-off,” Left Head said.

“I’m just tired of being the pocket book of ideas that these two idiots draw from,” Middle Head said. “I have the greatest mind in the galaxy and they add nothing to the deals I make.”

“See what I mean?” Right Head said.

“What a douche bag,” Left Head said.

“I don’t need them,” Middle Head said. “I do the greatest things in our galaxy without them. They just hang around and profit from the things I do. I’m more attractive than either of them, too. Don’t you think?”

I swallowed hard and tried not to think about such things. “I’m not exactly an expert on concepts of Falloonian beauty,” I said.

“You’re as pitiful as they are,” Middle Head said, nodding at each in return. I have thousands of heads wanting to share a body with me. They know I’m the greatest head around. They would line up to be with me.”

“How long have you three been together?” I asked.

“How the hell should I know?” Middle Head said.

“Approximately four million Scheruntshoolters,” Right Head said. “Maybe six hundred Earth years.”

“That’s a long time to be associated with Shit-For-Brains,” Left Head said.

“How could you manage without one another?” I said.

“I don’t need anyone,” Middle Head said. “Haven’t you been listening? I’m the greatest and I tell it like it is. People love that in a head. I tell them, ‘Just kiss my head and you’ll see glory.’ That’s the greatest motto ever thought up.”

“Uh,” I said. “I think I would be a little careful with that if I were you.”

“You’re just as pitiful as they are. Everything you tell me is fake.”

“If you don’t trust me, and you don’t trust the other two heads who have been your friends for so long,” I said, “whom do you trust?”

“That’s the problem,” Right Head said.

“Yeah,” Left Head said, “Just listen to who Scumbag has buddied-up with. Have you ever heard of Wunewphelplaeze?”

“Where’s that? What does the word mean?”

Three GUTS whirled. Right Head spoke first. “Anus Mundi,” he said, then, “No, wait. I hit Latin by mistake.” He started to speak but Left Head cut him off.

“It’s where,” he said, “and I hate to say this, but it’s where the planets in our galaxies used to send their malformed and maladjusted units to keep them from breeding with the normal units.”

“Only one problem,” Right Head said.

“What’s that?”
Does this look like the face
of a man of menace? - C.W

Left Head broke in. “They started breeding with one another and now they have their own civilization, even have their own leader, the worst unit in the galaxy, one called Ahhlchileya,” a real piece of excrement.”

“A piece of excrement who now has a new best friend,” Left head said. He and Right Head looked inward in unison.

“Fake facts,” Middle Head said. “Cheap lies. He’s had no charges brought against him.”

“Dormantatized units can’t bring charges,” Right Head said.

“He buys Doodo-Head expensive things,” Left Head said. “Where do you think he got that new Les Paul guitar that he plays when he makes us shape up like Slash?”

“Enough, enough,” I said. “I see disaster on the horizon.” I looked at Middle Head. “Can’t we reach a compromise?”

“Compromises are for those who can’t cut the pungent yellow condiment consisting of the pulverized seeds of a selected plant.”

I looked at the other two. “Can you report him to the Falloonian Elders?”

“Hell no,” Left Head said.

“He’s been buying them expensive gifts with funds Ahhlchielya gives him,” Left Head said.  “The Elders have gone bad and will support him no matter what.” The three began to argue incoherently.

I arose and left them there. I walked to the door, opened it, and walked outside for a breath of fresh air. Off to the west, some menacing black clouds were forming. I walked out to our farm pond, sat on the bank and studied the pond. By its waters, I wept when I remembered the good times.

See also:
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