“Not particularly. Actually, I having fun, just sitting here
reading this book. Why don’t you try it?”
“That’s boring. I don’t read books.”
C.W. was in the shape of a 30-something, a male with short
cropped hair and preppy clothes. He’s been trying it out for several days. Each
day, he’s gotten a little more unbearable.
I said, “If you don’t read books and things, you may end up
being uninformed.”
“I don’t care.”
“You should. You wouldn’t want to end up like Kanye West,
would you?”
“Who’s he?”
“He’s a man who doesn’t read books.”
“Is he successful?”
“To hear him tell it, he is.”
“There you go.”
“Don’t you,” I said, “want to know the importance of history
and current events?”
“Why?”
“So you can sound intelligent and informed.”
“I can do that already.”
“How?”
“I just make stuff up and then make it fit. That’s the greatest
way ever found to sound like you know things. There is no better way. And I am
the greatest person at it that there ever was, in the history of the world maybe.”
“What if someone asked you about a famous author?”
“What do you mean?”
“Say Virginia Woolf.”
“Who’s Virginia Woolf.”
“A writer. Do you know anything about her?”
“I know she was a horrible writer until she met me. She was
missing the benefits of having a strong man in her life. After a few months
with me as her lover, the greatest lover she had ever known, she got famous
with her writing. People love her, all because of me. I’m the greatest gift that
a woman could experience, you know. Just ask Virginia Woolf.”
“I can’t. She’s dead.”
“Of course. She couldn’t stand life without me. Ask me about
someone else, or something else.”
“What do you think of the Truman Doctrine.”
“I helped him with that one. We patterned it after the work
of President Putin in Russia. I’m the greatest friend Vladimir has, and we
helped, uh, what was his name?”
“Harry Truman.”
“Yeah, Harriet Tubman, I was his best friend too. Anyway, I
helped form his doctrine of helping Russia expand its influence in America and
we have, to date, created a million new jobs by working together. Working peacefully,
I might add, as peaceful a Jew and an Arab.”
My head was beginning to spin. “What might you have to say
about Charles Darwin and his writing on natural selection?”
“His what?”
“Natural selection?”w
“Oh,” he said, regaining his confidence. “I helped him with
that.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. He came to me and asked me to help them select a new
pastor for his church. He’s a deacon there, you know, a real man of God. He and
I got along real well together. I helped him a lot in selecting a new man.”
“How?”
. |
| Why read when I can make facts up? - C.W. |
“Told him what traits to look for in a preacher.”
“Grace, love, and brotherhood?”
“Oh heavens no. That’s old-timey stuff. People don’t want
that. We need preachers, men preachers by they way, who can stir folks to anger
at those who don’t think the way we do. Like that Franklin Graham man says, ‘Hate
is the trait that makes us great.’ That man’s church has added five thousand
new members since they took my advice. I’m the greatest thing that ever happened
to them. What do you think about that?”
“I think I’m going to go sit somewhere in the shade,
somewhere nice and quiet.”
“That’s fine,” he said. “I’m going over to a meeting at
party headquarters.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, they’re having a little ceremony for the Science-Education
Committee members.”
“Something important? Are they planning to cut funding
again?”
“Not now. Maybe later.”
“What are they celebrating now?”
“I’m not exactly sure, but it’s the greatest honor a politician
can get. It’ll produce tens of thousands of new jobs.”
“And what, exactly is this great honor for this committee?”
“One of its members is getting something called a GED.”
See also:
Enjoy these at all? If so, order Big Dope's Book at Wattensaw Press, Amazon, or other book sellers. It will make him so happy. Also, click on an ad. It earns him a little and costs the advertiser, sort of a win-win.
No comments:
Post a Comment