“Mornin’ Sport,” he said. “Thought I’d stop by. Been a good
week, eh?”
Silence.
“I’ve felt real good this week,” he said. “You should have
too. Your state, Arkansas, has made the world news. I’m even recommending it for a Fox News
Civic Responsibility Award.”
“What for?”
“We’ll call the coverage, ‘Eight Empty Cells,’ and we expect a
big sweep in the ratings. We’re working arm in arm with your governor.”
"Oh no. Are you referring to …?’
“You got it, your state is planning to whack eight condemned prisoners in ten days. ‘Eight In Ten,’ as your governor terms it. We plan
to have that printed on souvenir fan hands, along with ‘Arkansas Is Number One In Somethng.’ Can't you just see all those big fingers poking toward the sky?”
“I hadn’t heard about that.”
“Just the thought of all those excited folks makes you
feeling like grabbing for joy, doesn’t it?
“You can ask Joy about that, but eight executions in ten days doesn’t seem like a cause for
celebration to me.”
“Are you kidding? There hasn’t been the chance for ‘pub’
like this since Hillary Clinton got caught in bed with that dead girl scout.”
“Hillary Clinton didn’t get caught in bed with a dead girl
scout.”
“Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too. Our team covered it for over a month.”
“So, you see some chance for high ratings in this … this …
this, ‘execution euphoria,’ as some are calling it? How will the people at your
network contain their excitement?”
“Depends.”
“Uh, … on what?”
“Your people.”
“My people?”
“Yes. We’ve heard that your governor is having trouble
attracting enough fans for the show.”
“Fans?”
“Oh, the liberals call them witnesses. On Fox, we call them
fans. Anyway, last we heard, not enough people have signed up to watch, even
with our inducement package.”
“Inducement package?”
“Oh yes. We’re offering chances to draw for souvenir cotton
swabs. The ones they use to swab the condemned's skin with alcohol before they insert the
needles.” He paused. “What’s the matter? You look pale.”
I said nothing.
“We’re also considering a ‘Seconds to Flat-Line’ pool. Big
prize to the winner. We think this association between our network and your
state will set a new, and a much higher standard, for public-private
partnerships, in addition to helping me personally.”
“You? How?”
“Diverting attention away from some things and toward
others.”
“How so?”
He seemed to be groping for an answer. “They tell me I’ve
written a new book and it’s about to be published. Anyway, your state is on a roll
publicity-wise.”
“The eight in ten isn’t enough?”
 |
| Franklin Graham is insisting that we include some women in the next eight. - C.W. |
“Oh, no, there’s the fellow who shot one of his balls off
fiddling with his pistol while trying to walk down a hotel corridor. Oh, and
don’t forget about Bill Clinton getting arrested for cashing hot checks.”
“Bill Clinton didn’t get arrested for anything."
"Did too.”
"Did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too. How many times do I have to tell you that you
watch the wrong news channel? You missed our entire series about Barack Obama
being a secret cross-dresser. And you didn’t even know about President Trump
healing all those crippled children. What’s the matter?”
“Eight in ten.”
“Ain’t it great? Your state was it dire need of some
favorable publicity since the Central High furor died down.”
Just then, a female voice roared from the kitchen and I
turned toward it, “Tell that son-of-a-bitch I’m coming in there,” it said, “and,
if he has any ideas, I have a ruler in my hand that I haven’t used since I taught
grade school.”
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