Oh no. It was going to be a “Why? Why? Why? day.” C.W.
bounded in, having assumed the shape of Little Ricky, the troublesome ten-year
old. I tried to sprint from the room but he blurted out, before I could escape,
“Why do they want me to buy gifts on every day we celebrate something?”
“Have you been watching commercial television again?”
“Yeah, the UFO Channel.”
“I didn’t know there was a UFO Channel.”
“They used to call it the History Channel,” he said. “Why do
so many of your species believe in aliens from outer space when they watch TV,
but they don’t believe in me when they read your attempts at humor.”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do they think aliens would come to Earth and just fly
around forever and not land?”
“Because they think the aliens know that we would kill them
the moment they land.”
“Why don’t they understand that is impossible? Your species
hasn’t invented the Cosmological Ossifying. Neutralizing, Desensitizing, and Unifying
Mechanism yet?”
“I don’t understand why that is important.”
“Didn’t you know that CONDUMs are the only defense against unwanted
aliens? Why doesn’t your species understand more about science?”
“We are busy with other things.”
“Such as creating bizarre television commercials?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“To sell things.”
“Why do they make automobile commercials featuring men and
women driving cars on public highways at two or three times the legal speed
limits?”
“I think it satisfies some innate desire for mastery of the universe.”
“Your species wants to be master of the universe?”
“Quite so.”
“Why? It’s not a very manageable place. Your people could get
drawn into endless conflicts that would drain your energy and resources.” He
stopped, thought, shook his head, and said, “But that has never bothered you
before. Why?”
“Why don’t we stick to television commercials?”
“Why don’t they make movie ads that make you want to see the
movie?”
“To keep the crowds down?”
“Oh.”
“I was kidding.”
“No, I think you might be right. Now, why do the food ads feature
meals of two or three thousand calories when your country has such a profound
obesity problem?”
“We love to eat.”
“Why? Species in other galaxies regard it as simply a refueling necessity.”
“Why? Species in other galaxies regard it as simply a refueling necessity.”
“We orient our lives around eating.”
“Why? It just makes you fat.”
“We don’t care.”
“Then why are all the models on TV commercials so thin?”
“We love diets, too.”
“So why do the diet commercials say you can eat all you want
and lose weight? Why has your species abandoned any sense of understanding science?”
“So many of us believe in a higher truth than science.”
“Why? There's no such thing.”
“Just because. Maybe it makes us more manageable.”
 |
| This child just discovered how you elect presidents. - C.W |
He thought about this. Then he said, “That reminds me. You still
haven’t answered my question about this gift-giving obsession that the
marketing segment of your species has.”
“What got you off on that?”
“Your religious holiday called Easter is coming up.”
“Yes.”
“I just saw this strange ad. Why would gift-giving be
related to Easter?”
“You saw an ad for gift giving related to Easter?”
“Yes.”
“What did it say?”
“It said, ‘While you wait to celebrate The Resurrection, why
not resurrect your marriage with a gift from Jay’s Jewelers.’ You’ll be her
savior forever, and remember, resurrection is contagious.’ Why?” He looked at
me and waited for an answer.
I wasn’t sure what the question was, and could only offer, “It
seems that our country is out to test the absolute lower limits of propriety
and good taste.”
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