Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Ask The Alien: Barking Husband

Dear Ask The Alien:
My husband has started barking when we make love. At first I thought it was kind of cute and sexy, but lately it has become more annoying and the neighbors have started to complain. I’ve tried everything. I’ve offered him treats to be quiet. I’ve even tried scratching his belly but this just makes his leg jerk and starts him to howling. Nothing works. Now he has begun, just as I get “in the swing,” so to speak, nuzzling his head under my hand to make me pet him. This makes me just want to trot off somewhere. Can you help?
Dog Lover

 Dear Dog Lover:
First, if you think you have pet problems, check out this fellow's.
Now, since you didn’t include your husband’s pedigree in your missive, I shall assume he is mixed-breed. So, I contacted the Hispanic fellow on TV, the so-called “Dog person who speaks very softly using his breath without his vocal cords,” and he offered some help. You have allowed your husband to assume the A-dog role in your home, a rarity among American couples. You must re-establish your dominant position by granting and withholding favors, if you know what I mean. Let him know what behavior is acceptable and what is not. A firm but loving leash should solve your problem. If it doesn’t, try a muzzle.
Your friend
The Alien C.W.

Oh, and while I am at it:
I figured if Big Dope could try his hand at making banners, so could I. What do you think?
Your friend,


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