Sunday, March 8, 2015

240. War and Peace

Talk about being in a bad mood. C.W. hates Daylight Savings Time. I think they programmed his functions in Falloonia without taking our twice-a-year changes into account. It really sets him off course for a few days.

Come to think about it … it does the same for everyone. Oh well.

Anyway, here he comes, in critical mode. For this no form will suit him but Lucky and Lefty, the conjoined twins. Here they came and I began mentally to batten down the hatches. I could hear them arguing fifty yards away. We suffered a late winter storm and I was enjoying the first time it had been warm enough to sit outside and watch the snow melt.

“Asshole,” I heard.


“I told you we needed overcoats.”


It continued this way until they stood in front of me. I nodded and braced for the worst. “What’s up boys?”

“I think snow is beautiful,” Lucky said.

“It hurts my feet,” Lefty said.

I tried to bring peace. “Don’t you fellows agree on anything?”

“I try to,” Lucky said.

“Why should we?” Lefty said. “Do you think just because we were born attached that I have to listen to this prick?”

“You could try,” Lucky said.

“Bite me,” Lefty said.

I said nothing.

“I’m going to slug this moron if you don’t make him shut up,” Lucky said. “I’ve had about all I can take.”

“You try, you numbskull,” Lefty said. “Remember what happened last time.”

I couldn’t stay neutral any longer. “Fellas, fellas,” I said. “What has happened to put you in such a state?”

“Might as well tell him,” Lucky said.

“Go ahead,” Lefty said. “You do it.”

“Screw you,” Lucky said. He actually phrased it a bit more directly but you get the picture.

“Cut it out,” I said. “Go ahead, Lucky.”

“Some Xenaprichians landed not far from here yesterday for a reconnaissance mission.”

“Really?” I said. “They landed on our farm?”

“They do it all the time” Lefty said. “They stay around awhile, making extra money doing things they call energetic meetings intended to revive religious faith.”

I was confused.

“He means ‘revivals,’ and they are good at it.,” Lucky said. “I enjoy hearing them preach on love and the joy that grace brings. It is very soothing to one’s spiritual well-being.” He turned to Lucky, “I told you to get that goddam translator fixed.”

“Jump up my ass,” Lefty said.

“Stop it guys,” I said. “So why are you so upset?”

“We hate Xenaprichians,” Lefty said.

“I don’t,” Lucky said. “I want to visit with them more to discuss the way our planets can live in harmony.”

“I want to blow their goddam spacecraft up with their sorry asses in it,” Lefty said.


“Crap for brains.”

“Now look,” I said. “It doesn’t seem wise to do harm to them. They may then want to damage to you in return. The rest of us may suffer in the process.”

“My feelings exactly,” Lucky said.

“Chickenshit peace-weenies,” Lefty said.

“Now let’s calm down and discuss this rationally,” I said. “We don’t want to start an interplanetary war on our farm.

“There you go again,” Lefty said. “You’ll never learn.”

“Why don’t we give freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility a chance?” Lucky said, turning to Lefty.

It seems to me that your species should try to find
a philosophy that teaches peace instead of war. - C.W.
'“Put your ‘peace’ where the sun don’t shine,” Lefty said. “Anyway, I’ve already talked to Mrs. Big Dope and she has agreed for us to wipe them out. That’s where we were headed now—to talk to her about the details.”

“Wait just a minute,” I said. “My wife won’t make such a decision without consulting me.”

“Poor deluded child,” Lucky said.

“Dumbass,” Lefty said.

They both laughed, spun three circles to the left then three circles to the right, settled on a course, and headed toward the house.

Hey ... click an ad. Big Dope is taking us to a revival, he says.
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