Sunday, January 27, 2013

133. Education

Bless his heart. You have to admire C.W. when he sets out to do something special for our species. That is, if you can quit laughing in the process.

This time it was education. He is fascinated by Michelle Rhee, the woman who has drawn much press recently over her attempts to restructure the process of teaching. (I think he secretly has a crush on her).

Anyway, he’s on the kitchen table after my wife ran us out of the living room where we were interfering with a TV show that proves, it claims, the Panspermia Theory. Don’t ask. Anyway, he has taken the form of a graduate of L’Université Paris-Sorbonne. I think it is the neat gowns and hats they wear, for he had chosen this attire, probably another reason we were evicted from the living room.

He was explaining to me how he plans to fix our country’s education system.

“It’s a simple process,” he said. "It is based on my theory of the three 'Hs' as a guide."

“Oh,” said a voice. We looked up to see my wife passing through the kitchen to refresh her drink during a commercial. “You boys learning how to give an enema?”

“An enima?” C.W. looked at her with that endearing look of confusion he adopts when our language confuses him. “And Mme. Doper Grande, may I ask what is this ‘enema’ of which you speak?”

She, who was a Registered Nurse Practitioner at one time, explained, to his evident discomfort.

“And how does it relate to our conversation?”

“The three ‘Hs’ she said. “That’s the directions you use in the hospital for giving enemas.”


“High, hot, and hell of a lot,” she said as she left the room doing her best imitation of Lauren Bacall in the last scene of “To Have and to Have Not.”

He squirmed “Your wife is, how do you say … bizarre?

We say ‘bizarre,’” I said. “But tell me about your three Hs.”

“Simple he said. We form classes that are, first, composed of high achievers. No room for mediocrity.”

“Go on.”

“Then, our classes comprise a homogeneous population cohort. Children don’t have to be distracted by adjusting to those from other backgrounds.”


“Honor,” he said.


“Yes, we restrict our classes to those with perfect behavior records. No time wasted on kids who act up.”

“Uh, C.W.,” I said. “What about the students that don’t fit within your Three-H profile? What do you do with them?”

He looked confused. “What do you do with them now?”

“Confine them to public schools.”

Bien sûr. Problem solved. Now, here is the best part …,” he straightened his Sorbonne chapeau, and proceeded. “I now introduce a Falloonian technique we call Snorcpy++tachra. We use it to implant vast quantities of vital information into the brains of space travelers like me.”

“Like you?”

“Yes, it involves a direct transfusion of so called ‘knowledge neutrons’ into an unused portion of our mind, along with triggering mechanisms much like your memory cells.”

My French counterpart and I stand ready to
save your education system with our
three step plan. See how well it has worked
with me? - Your friend in knowledge, C.W.

“When the trigger is activated, say the standardized test is opened, the stored knowledge pours out, the HHH students perform flawlessly, test scores soar, and the teacher receives a bonus check.”

“The knowledge flows out?”

“Like a stream.”

“Well I’ll swan,” came a voice from the next room. “It is like an enema, isn’t it?”

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