Sunday, January 20, 2013

132. Puppies

Would you believe it? Of all things, C.W. wants a puppy.

Don’t ask. He’s been obsessed with social media lately (well the computer in general with the cold weather) and it seems that cute puppy pictures are flooding the cyberways.

I found him in the living room in the shape of a cute young boy of ten. He had photos of dogs cut from magazines spread around him on the couch. The pictures covered every breed, shape, and size imaginable. He looked up expectantly.

“Hey, Mr. Big Dope,” he started.

I knew I was in trouble for he had never called me “Mr.” before.”


“I’ve got this greatest idea,” he said.

When he gets a great idea, I usually keep quiet.

“Wanna hear?”

“Not really.”

“I want to get a puppy.”


“Why not?”

“Because they cost money, mess the place up, require constant care, and grow up to be the most obnoxious creatures on the planet.”

“Great,” he said, paying the least bit of attention. “When can we go get one?”

“Didn’t you hear me?”

“What did you say?"

“I said no, because dogs cost too much money.”

“Mine won’t.”

“Oh, and who will feed it?”

“He’ll eat my leftovers. Won’t cost anything. It’s called the ‘pitch down theory’ of dog feeding.”

“I’ve been feeding you for years. You don’t leave much to pitch down. Besides, who’ll take care of him when you have to visit Falloonia?”

“You and Mrs. Big Dope.”

“Oh really?”

“Sure. Don’t the members of your species believe in caring for one another?”

“They used to,” I said. “Anyway, dogs aren’t of our species.”

“Great,” he said. “Let’s go.”


“What now?”

“Have you thought about what happens when he gets old?”

“We’ll take him to the pound and leave him.”


“What now?”

“Who’ll pay for having him fixed?”

“What do you mean, fixed?”

“Fixed so he can’t make babies with a female.”

“Oh,” he said, thinking. “I didn’t think you made the male of a species responsible for babies.”

“There are a great number of things you don’t know about our species yet.”

“This fixing,” he said. “It isn’t the same as contraception, is it?”

“Not exactly. It’s only called ‘contraception’ if it involves a female.”

“Oh,” he said. “Then that would be okay. When can we leave?”

“C.W.,” I said. “You cannot have a puppy.”

“Why not?”

“For all the reasons I have listed, and because they involve commitment, care, and responsibility.”

I promise, promise, promise!
Mine will stay just like this forever. - C.W.
“Oh, mine won’t require a great deal of care.”

“What makes you think so?”

“When he grows up, he’ll pull himself up by his own little paws.”

My head began to spin. “Wouldn’t you rather have a Play Station instead?”

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