87. Predictions

C.W. has a problem.

It seems that some of his counterpoints in other parts of the globe are gaining notoriety (in disguise of course) and the Falloonian Elders docked our alien a point on his quarterly evaluation for not meeting this standard. Bad reviews are not a good thing in Falloonia, as on earth.

So he is determined.

“Determined to do what?” I asked him as he sat outdoors with me in a perfect image of the famous news pioneer Edward R. Murrow.

“Appear on the History Channel,” he said.

“The History Channel?”

“Yes,” he said, lighting his third cigarette since we started and blowing the smoke in my direction. “The Elders have this idiotic notion that it has something to do with history.”

“The History Channel?”

“I know,” he said. “I have tried to tell them that, in order to appear on that show one must be uneducated, uncouth, pathetic, and regretful.”

”You mean ‘sorry.’”

“I think that’s what you call those people.”

“Well,” I said. “The channel produces other type shows.”

“I know,” he said. “They offer shows about half-cooked-in-an-oven conspiracy theories.”

“In addition to ‘half-baked’ theories, they also present shows about …,” I began.

“Yes,” he said. “I know. UFOs.”

“Quite so.”

”Even you should be able to understand why the Falloonian Elders would not like me to broach that subject.”

“Ah, yes,” I said.

“But there is another option,” he said.

“And, it is?”

“Predictions.”

”Predictions?”

“Yes, they like shows about people who make predictions.”

“True,” I said.

“So, I have made some and you must publish them.”

“You made predictions?”

“Yes, and if it turns out that any of them happen to be accurate, I can have my own show on the History Channel.”

With that, he retrieved a file from a briefcase he had brought with him and handed me a sheet grimy with cigarette ashes and with numerous holes burned in it. I read:

And in the third year of the Great Digression, I saw, from the gardens of the river’s valley:


1. A great trial coming upon the Earth and all its children in fear.


2. A person arising whom some shall call holy and some shall call wicked and that person will be known among all nations.


3. The earth disgorging its displeasure and humankind wailing in sorrow.


4. Wars threatening even peaceful kingdoms and the mighty of the earth struggling.


Readers: Contact Big Dope as soon as you
think one of these predictions is coming true.
- The Prophet C.W.



5. The waters of the river raging in anguish.

As one might imagine, I was speechless.

“So,” he said. “Get them published and if any come to pass, I’ll be branded a prophet.”

“You want me to publish these,” I said.

“Immediately. I’ll be making some more in the interim.”

I thought it over for a moment and considered prophets of the past.

“Sure,” I said. “Why not?”