Saturday, December 10, 2011

72. Confrontations

C.W. is on a roll answering fan mail, so far be it from me to stop him. Let us continue.

Dear C.W.: My wife recently purchased a half-ton of “rice-grain seconds” from a food processing plant. She planned to feed it to her pets but they won’t touch it. Now we are stuck with it and can’t navigate the house for the stuff. She left bags at the doors of friends and neighbors until the sheriff’s office issued a warning. We have eaten rice in every form imaginable, including “rice dip” and “rice gazpacho.” Rice-art adorns every wall of the house. I suffer nightmares about drowning in a sea of rice. Should I confront her about this?

- Suffocating in Lonoke County

Dear Suffocating:

It is my conclusion, after two years of gathering data and undertaking tests, that American wives represent a sub-set of your species best left undisturbed. I think your expression is “Allow a somnolent canine to remain reposed,” or something like that.

The reasons are legion. First and foremost, as a unique practice, (and one that is a source of great amusement to Falloonians), your world has chosen to make the process of procreation a primary source of recreation and enjoyment whereas in all other galaxies it exists only for, … well, ... for procreation.

That having been said, not only have you made the act your primary focus in life, you grant control of its access solely (except in criminal cases) to the female units of your species. Therefore, alienating them immediately eliminates your chief form of amusement and pleasure. You may easily witness how prolonged deprivation can result in psychotic and anti-social behavior such as entering the fields of television-evangelism, law, or politics. (This, of course, solves the deprivation problem but may create others.)

I would recommend forbearance for this reason alone; however, there are more. For some reason (one that I have under observation) the process of natural selection has, over the last three billion years or so, created a severe unbalance in intellectual capability. The female units of your species are, sadly, quite a bit smarter than the males. In fact, a mental contest resembles a game of Falloonian Snockgrasting in which the Pengrastilists receive extra Crestallens. The result is truly sickening.

As a secondary result, this has granted the female units at least a majority of control over the monetary system.

As if that were not enough, I advise you to consider a phenomenon we have, in cataloging your species’ habits, termed “Enragement Extensionism.” This describes the practice of your female units to store anger for extremely long periods with no outward display. For reasons explained earlier, your males lack the mental capacity to retain agitation indefinitely while your females find the act both simple and useful.

As an example, I am currently documenting the case of an elderly couple, married 70 years, who live together in a nursing home. Recently, the male developed an extended case of bowel incontinence.

After considerable effort, the staff determined that his wife had been slipping a violent laxative into his afternoon tea.

When confronted and asked why, she said, “He knows damned good and well why.”

In many cases, the odd male-female mental inequity
is not confined to the human species. - C.W.
Further research pinpoints the time of the source-incident, still undermined as to its exact nature, to within days of the end of World War Two.

My advice to you? You’d better learn to love rice!

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