Thursday, December 8, 2011

71. Procreation

We continue to entrust the column to C.W. as he answers fan mail. Here is a rather urgent one received a few days ago. It warrants a mid-week publication.

Dear C.W.:

Could you please explain to us how many times the Duggers had to have sex to produce 20 kids? I am sure you can come up with some sort of equation to determine the answer. I am going to use this information to explain to my wife that if she loved me only 10 percent as much as Ms. Dugger loved Mr. Dugger I would be happy.
Needing Glasses in West Little Rock

Dear Needing Glasses:

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news; I am sure that your wife loves you but you must try to keep the matter in hand. The answer is … are you ready?

Just once.

That’s right─once.

You see, early in the marriage Ms. Dugger was fitted with what is called a Rapsacholian Sperm Locker, named after the famed Evangelist Billy Fred Rapsacholy. You will recall that he was a firm advocate of an American Theocracy based upon the teachings of the Apostle Paul.

One of the first strictures enacted by the Reverend Billy Fred was that, in accordance with the teachings set forth in I Corinthians, Chapter 7, Verse 7, the only justification for marriage is a lack of self-control. So, he was “agin” it (marriage) except for the weak-willed.

For those succumbing to the unnatural urges, the Reverend again followed Paul’s teaching in Verse 5 and said if you must “do it” (sex) get married first and then do it as seldom as possible to allow you to devote most of your time to prayer.

So, therein was the rub for many evangelical wives. They didn’t much care for the act in the first place, but they also were bound by the Old Testament command (Genesis 1:28) to “be fruitful and multiply.”

The solution? Enter the Rapsacholian Sperm Locker, designed by one of the Reverend Billy Fred’s followers before his church officially denounced any use of science.

The device is simple. Implanted near the uterus, it stores the effects of the first sexual intercourse, some billions of sperm. A few avoid capture, resulting in the first pregnancy. Afterwards, a single sperm is released whenever an egg is released.

“Voila”! as the French would say (although they themselves consider the device barbaric). There is a continuous flow of children until the death of the female unit or menopause, whichever comes first. Moreover, there are no further “filthy acts” to repent of.

Sadly for the Reverend, the device encountered a very limited reception. Recipients did seem to enjoy freedom from what they termed as “unwanted intrusions” but most tired of children exponentially after the first one.

The joys of unbridled procreation made famous by the Duggars
has spread to our neighbors in other countries.
Performance of the device is also erratic, some sequestered sperm seem to “lose their Mojo” while others form clusters of up to eight replicates before their release.

It appears that a combination of cooking sherry and Argo Starch tends to neutralize the effects of the device so modern case studies are rare; however, the bizarre publicity afforded the aforementioned family may spur a renaissance.

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