Sunday, January 28, 2018


“Aw, come on, you’ll like it.”

“Get lost.”

“They say it’s fun.”


“You won’t forget it.”

“Didi mau.”

“We never have any fun.”

“Like the time you trained one of my wife’s dogs to pee on signal?”

“You have to admit, it caught the missionary man by surprise. He even dropped his handouts.”

“My wife didn’t think it was funny.”

He laughed. It was C.W. of course, in the form of Little Ricky the troublesome ten-year old. “Mrs. Big Dope still thinks you did it.”

“I know.”

“Come on,” he said. “I have fresh box of Tide pods. They say they make your tummy tickle.”

“Who says?”

“That woman who explains stuff on TV for the president, the preacher’s daughter.”

“She explains stuff?”

“Every day. She’s the best at it there ever was.”

“She says it is safe to swallow pods of laundry detergent?”

“Not exactly.”

“What do you mean ‘not exactly?’ Does she say it’s safe or not?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“She says if the news says something, it’s not true.”


“The newspaper says swallowing Tide pods is dangerous.”


“That means it isn’t.”

“They also say it has made people sick and may have killed some.”

“That’s not true. The Press Information Simplification Secretary lady explained that as well.”

“That it hasn’t killed anyone?” I winced as what he said registered. “The what?”

“That woman that explains the news. If anyone has suffered any harm from anything, she says, it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault. She got that from a reliable news source. Did you know that Hillary has a secret army hidden in a bunker under the White House that she and Bill had constructed while he was President? They used it back then to do forced sex-change operations on children they stole from church Sunday Schools. Now she trains liberals there to kidnap children and make them read books.”

And where did the … uh, … press lady learn that bit of news?”

“A man named Sean told her all about it.”
A Tide Pod Pizza. Yummy. - C.W.
“So, you believe it is true?”

“She said it was.”

“And you believe her?”

“A preacher’s daughter wouldn’t lie, would she?”

I couldn’t speak, but I’m sure I was mumbling something.

“What did you say?”

“Oh nothing,” I said. “Just something about acorns. Never mind.”

“Does does this mean you’ll do it with me?”

“Of course not.”

“But all the other kids are doing it.”

Ah, I saw a “teaching moment.” I thought for a few seconds and came up with what I thought was both a moral and “coming of age” example. “So,” I said, “if all the other boys were grabbing girls somewhere inappropriate, would you do it too?”

He thought for what I considered much too long a time. “No,” he said at last.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and managed, “Good.”

“That’s only okay if the President does it. The PISS lady said so.”

See also:
Delta Dreaming
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