Oh boy oh boy! It was “New Shape Saturday.” I had a fresh
rum and tonic and a new cigar ready. C.W. and I were alone in the back yard of
the farm and he was in high spirits. One head wore a construction hat, another
a police officer’s hat, and the third a Sioux chieftain’s headdress. He, they,
looked strangely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place them.
Anyway.
He had chairs sat up under a tree and would disappear behind
a storage building, wait a few minutes, and emerge as his new shape. I would
try to guess who he represented. This is always fun, or it is sometimes. It
makes my wife nauseated, so she was off visiting a friend. Hot dog! I lit my
cigar and yelled, “Ready.”
A middle-aged man, well dressed in a business suit emerged and
took a seat. “One hint,” he said, “TV pundit.”
“Expert?” I said.
“Very much so.”
“Education and background?”
“Bachelor’s degree in business administration and 30 years of
military service.”
“Rank?”
“Went in as a second lieutenant. Came out as a major.”
“Hmm.”
“Come on,” he said, “you’ve watched the news. Make a guess. I can’t
provide any more information than that.”
“I give up.”
“Expert on military affairs,” he said. "On that so-called news channel named after a wild animal."
“But you retired as only a … ,” I began, but he had already
departed. “A 30-year major hardly qualifies …,” I said, mostly to myself. Then
he yelled over his shoulder.
“It’s television, dummy. That’s today’s theme. Truth in
television.”
A few seconds later, and a great new shape appeared. A disheveled
character with a shaved head and long beard came in and sat in front of me. He
had divided the beard into two prongs, each held by a rubber band. “Expert,” he
said.
“Education?”
“Community college in Charleston, West Virginia. Associate’s
degree in restaurant management.”
“Current job?”
“Consultant, on the cable network that you call the History
Channel.”
“Previous jobs?”
“Fast food trainee programs … several.”
“You are a janitorial consultant?”
“Get serious. I’m a featured star.”
“I can’t imagine. I give up.”
He took in a breath, expelled it and said, “Scientific
consultant. They identify me as a UFO expert.”
That stunned me. “So, you use your real expertise as a
visiting alien to educate the viewers?”
He frowned. “Get serious. I can’t divulge that information. Educate
our viewers? Jeez. I just say whatever I feel like saying. The show’s motto is ‘We
make it up and you lap it up.’ Can you imagine getting paid for blowing stuff
out of your …?”
I interrupted. “Now cut it out.”
“Accumulated superfluous storage,” he finished. Then he
disappeared again.
A few moments later, a buxom blond with hair teased to a
height of a foot above her head, and billowing across her shoulders, sashayed
in and perched in front of me. She teased the front of her blouse to allow more
of her ample cleavage to show, and then tried to cover her nether regions with
a skirt made from no more than a yard of material. No luck. Glimpses abounded.
“I know what you’re thinking,” she said.
“I doubt it.”
“That’s right, you’re wondering what I do for a living.”
“No,” I said, “I’m wondering if my wife knows about this.”
“Exactly,” she said. “You are man of the world. You’re from
the big city and you married your childhood sweetheart.”
“Born and reared in the country, and I didn’t meet her until we
were both grown.”
“Precisely,” she said. “And something tells me she was from
the city too.”
I just know that all my fans would like for this woman to advise them on investing in the stock market. - C.W. |
“A farmer’s daughter,” I said.
“That’s right,” she said. “And don’t you forget: something
tells me she still dreams about getting that education she always wanted.”
“She has two college degrees.”
“Like I told you. Now,” she said, leaning back in her chair
as I tried not to look. “You’re thinking that you wish I would tell you what I
do. Don’t ask me how I know that. I just see things. That's all.”
“No,” I said, “I’m just hoping my wife doesn’t come home
before you change shapes.”
“I knew it,” she said, “I just know things, see? That’s what
they pay me for. Speaking of shapes, you are going to love this next one. It’s
going to be the best shape you ever saw. It’s going to be wonderful. I have
this plan, and it is a great plan, the best plan ever, to astound and amaze you
with this next shape because it is going to be wonderful. And you will love it.”
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