Sunday, July 19, 2015

261. Professions

C.W. is playing a new game: “The Rapture Effect On Selected Professions.” He calls it a scientific study, and maintains the shape, including lab coat, of a researcher. I think he is having a bit of galactic fun at our expense, but it goes something like this.

“Combining, evangelical religious myth with professional occupations,” he says, “we consider what might happen in the sudden disappearance of all members of a certain profession.”

“Want to explain?” I said.

“For example,” he said. “If every college football coach in your country disappeared overnight, was 'raptured away' so to speak, what would be the impact?”

Before I could speak, he broke in. “More money spent teaching physics?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Perhaps a new intellectual renaissance?”

“Perhaps,” I said.

“At any rate,” he said, “nothing that would register on the cultural seismograph. Right?

“Probably not,” I said.

“And the annual salary involved?”

 “Most in the millions.”

“Wow,” he said, in an unscientific response.

“Any more?”

“TV Evangelists?”

“Oh please, please,” I said.

“Any downside to their rapturing away?”

“Only,” I said, “if one sells mansions or private jets.”


“Lots of Social Security checks would go further.”

“The so-called ‘analysts’ on that fake news show named after a furry animal.”

“Nothing but upside to their disappearance.”

“That’s what the data show,” he said, consulting his clipboard. “And they are paid a lot?”

“Yes,” I said.

He interrupted. “It seems they also make a bundle off fake books that they pretend to write.”


“Speaking of writers,” He said, “how about authors of weight-loss books?”

“Send them into space,” I said. “No one will notice.”

“Oh wait,” he said, “here’s a good one.”

“Oh?” I was all ears.

“Pet psychics.”

I groaned.

“What,” he said, “do they do, exactly?”

“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

“Personal injury attorneys?”

I thought. “That one probably depends,” I said.

“On what?”

“On which side of the personal injury one is on.”

“We’ll get back to it,” he said. “Safari guides?”

“Now,” I said, there is a certain party who would want them raptured to deepest, darkest corner of space.

“Would that be Mrs. Big Dope?”

“Herself,” I said.

“Let’s see,” he said. “She might want to send the owners of what you call ‘puppy mills’ along for the ride, wouldn’t she?”

“You might ask her,” I said, “but don’t stand too close when you do.”

“No,” he said, rubbing his forehead, “I learned that lesson when I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie about a fight between two or more fighter planes at close quarters.”

“No,” I said. “You asked her if she wanted to watch a dog fight with you.”

“Anyway,” he said, “what about so-called hedge fund managers?” He looked at his notes. “Here is one that made a billion dollars in one year. What would happen if he disappeared?”

“I can’t imagine that anything would happen,” I said. “I doubt that anyone would even file a missing-persons report. Those folks tend to move around a lot.”

“That’s what my research shows.”

“Say,” I said, “speaking of your research, haven’t you found any indispensable professions?”

“Oh,” he said, “I think I’ve found the most indispensable one.”

“And that is?”

“But first,” he said,” I must say that it totally baffles me.”

“How so?”

“It pays a drastically lower salary than any I have mentioned so far.”

“Oh really?”

“Isn’t that odd for a species to pay its most valuable worker the lowest salary?”

“You’re not from around here, are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind,” I said. “It was just a joke. But what is this most necessary profession?”

Your species has a strange way of valuing professions. - C.W.
“Let’s see,” he said, thumbing through his notes. “Oh, here it is: a waste water collection and treatment specialist, or sanitary engineer.”

“A sewer worker?”

“Of course,” he said, “without them your species would be in a world of sh…”

“That’s enough,” I said. “I get the picture. I definitely get the picture.”

“The picture—that reminds me,” he said, “working in sewers is a much more valued profession than fashion modeling, isn’t it?”

 Please click some ads. The profession of alien doesn't pay well at all.
Finally, buy Big Dope's book so he'll shut up about it.
- C.W.

Available at major on-line retailers, or

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