Sunday, January 11, 2015

233. Facts

“We could be champs,” he said. “Champs, or at least contenders.”

Now I’m not saying that the Alien C.W. looked like Marlon Brando, mind you but … well, actually he did. He looked just like Marlon Brando. What can I say? I mean the young sexy one too, not the old fat crazy one.

“Champs,” he said again, nodding his head.

“I’ll bite,” I said.

“Facts,” he said. He took on that familiar pained expression that we know so well. “Facts will …,” his face took on that ‘about to cry’ look, “facts will make us champs.”

“Reporting them?”

His face changed from pain to disgust in less time than it takes to imagine it. “Are you crazy? Nobody gets famous or rich by reporting facts anymore.” He stopped, raised his head in thought, looked at me, and said, “Our prediction, that is to say the prediction of the Falloonian Council of Elders, is that the day will come when your congress outlaws the unauthorized use of facts entirely.”

I considered this, decided he was probably right, and waded in. “So how,” I said, “will facts make us champs?”

“By making them fit,” he said. “We’ll call our company ‘Fit the Facts’ and make a fortune.”

“How so?”

“Look what happened last week,” he said.

“What was that?”

“You had a political party take control of your national senate and that party had just spent six years trying to wreck your economy in order to make the black guy look bad.”

“It didn’t work, though. The economy rebounded over that time, at least for many of us.”

“We’ll cover that another day,” he said. “Right now let’s look at the facts. The economy gained strength and this party was elected to power. Those are facts. Right?”

“Right, but …”

“Shut up and listen. Those are facts, nothing more. Now for the fitting—.”

“The fitting?”

“The fitting. Under our approach, facts are of no use until one fits them to a pre-arranged set of claims, beliefs, myths, viewpoints, or religious dogma.”

“What about the truth?”

“Haven’t you been paying attention? What the hell does the truth have to do with anything?” He actually pointed a finger at me before continuing. “The profitable truth, and the one we report, is that the economy saw this election coming for six years and was just getting ready for it. The party performed patriotic actions through sabotage by keeping that economy from, shall we say, overheating before this election got here. It was an, let me remember the name I dreamed up for it.” He knitted his brows and thought. “Oh yes, it was an ‘anticipatory recovery’ and the colored guy had nothing to do with it. It was all our party’s work.”

“C.W.,” I said, “I think I’ve already heard their senate leader expressing that idea.”

“Hell yes,” he said. “Who do you think sold it to him?”

Just the sort of non-profitable approach to
facts that we want shed ourselves of, right? - C.W.


Fortunately, we have bright young folks who
understand the utility of facts.


Fact is ... we need money. Click an ad. - C.W.
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