Sunday, February 10, 2013

135. Education.3

Can’t seem to get C.W. off this education kick. So, I think we should humor him one more week, particularly since he assumed such an adorable form today. He was busy at the kitchen table working when I came in this morning, or I should I say “she” was. There was the most adorable 13-year old girl you have ever seen, dressed in her school uniform with her blond ponytail neatly flowing down her back.  Her face was drawn up around her sky-blue eyes as she was straining over a standardized test.
“Uh, good morning, I think.”

“Good morning Mr. Big Dope.”

Yep, it was he. “What on earth are you doing, C.W.?”

“I have been asked to evaluate this test for possible use in the placement program for the better schools,” she said. “And quite frankly, some of the questions confuse me.”

“You have been asked …,”

“By Mrs. Rhee.”

“To evaluate what?”

“This test will determine the quality of class a child is assigned to. And the questions are dumb.”


“Yes. Listen to this one. ‘Your mother tells you that she doesn’t have enough money to make ends meet this month. You should (1) Suggest that she give up cigarettes and beer temporarily; (2) Stay at your aunt’s house for a while; (3) Offer to eat only two meals a day for the month; (4) Tell your father to put some more money into Mom’s household account.’”

“Yes,” I said. “And?”

“Well anybody would know that the correct answer is “Four” but it keeps telling me I’m wrong.”


“And here’s another. ‘Your friend’s mom drops you off from birthday party and your mother’s boyfriend calls you from the tool shed and says he wants to show you something. You should (1) Pretend not to hear and go lock yourself in your room; (2) Request additional information; (3) Tell him you must first change into your play clothes; (4) Ask if your mom is with him.’”

“That’s a tough one.”

“No it’s not, she said. “Of course one cannot indulge in play activities with one’s dress clothes on.” She paused and looked perplexed. “But it tells me I’m wrong.”

“Boy,” I said. “This is hard.”

“You haven’t seen anything. Listen. ‘There are two direct routes to school. Each passes through a designated gang territory. You should, (1) Find a longer route that is gang-free; (2) Join one of the gangs and use the route through its territory; (3) Remind the chauffer to lock all the windows in the car when driving to school; (4) Suggest to your parents that they home-school you.’”

“Well that sounds pretty simple to me,” I said.

“Yes, but what if the chauffer forgets?”


Everyone knows that the maid does
all the cooking, so why must
a young girl learn fractions? - C.W.
“Now, here is the hardest one. Get this. ‘Pregnancy can occur when (1) One, or both, of the partners forgets to pray before having sex; (2) When a girl has sex on days not sanctioned by the church; (3) A girl has sex with someone other than her boyfriend who, he promises, can’t make babies; (4) A girl has sex without the protection of a contraceptive.’”

I thought about it. “You can answer this one, can’t you?”

“Heck no.”

“And why not?”

“Well, for one thing, what is a contraceptive?”

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