UNUSUAL HABITS OF AMERICAN HOMO SAPIENS
AN ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
BY C.W. PRODUCTIONS
Fade in. Screen fills with full face of a woman with extravagant makeup poorly applied. Her age is on the upward side of thirtysomething. As the image fills the screen, she speaks.
WomanMy name is Tymber, with a "Y" and I am a bride to be. What I am about to say is true. It happened to me.It could happen to you. Be warned.
Dolly back. The camera gradually takes in the entire figure. The woman is seated on a studio chair in front of a plain background. She is wearing a white, sleeveless wedding dress. Tatoos cover portions of her arms and body. A veil is parted to reveal her face. Her makeup has begun to smear and she dabs a handkerchief to her eye before speaking.
WomanI simply wish to be married and have a nice wedding, one that I plan. My fiance's family is rich, and is footing the bill, so we can afford the best, exactly what I demand. Is that so awful?
Looks into the camera and dabs her eyes again.
WomanIt started when we selected a pastor. I was concentrating on the florist and baker so I left the choice of a pastor up to my fiance. His family attends the largest church in town, where the wedding will be, so they made the decision.
Stops. Composes herself.
WomanI was surprised when he, the pastor, demanded to interview us. Honestly, I thought he had a minor part to play and should just show up and play it. But, I went along. To my horror, he began asking us if we attended any church, for he knew we didn't attend his. Can you imagine?
Looks into the camera with a questioning look.
WomanThat's not the worst. He actually commented on the fact that we have lived together for five years and have two children, both of whom we wanted to take part in the service. He didn't seem to like that idea at all, as if it was any of his business.
Stops. Composes herself.
WomanIt deteriorated from there. He even questioned that I would wear this beautiful, five-thousand dollar, white wedding dress at my fourth wedding. Somehing about virginity. I didn't uderstand it all. I think the worst moment was when he tried to nix our wedding song, saying it might not be appropriate inside a church. Well, I told him how "the hog ate the cabbage" about that. I'm sorry, but my fiance and I met at a Jimmy Buffet concert and if our song is "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw," then so be it. Any questions?
Stares defiantly into the camera.
WomanI don't guess I have to tell you how he felt about the vows we wrote. The line about "long, languorous orgasms" really set him free. Isn't that just like a preacher? It really went to hell after that. The bottom line was we had to get my fiance's family to straighten him out. Seems churches need money more than tradition these days. So, we're getting what we want, but it caused me, to like, totally freak out. And I am the center of attraction.
Stops and looks pleased, then notices something behind the camera. Looks questioningly and then nods. Composes herself again.
WomanOh yes. The reason I am doing this documentary is to set a role model for other girls. And I don't care what people think. My wedding will be awesome, and this preacher should be proud to be a part of it.
Pauses. Then looks with determination into the camera.
WomanI mean it's not like we're gay.
Move to closeup and then fade to black.
|Some of your customs are easier|
to explain to the Falloonian Elders
than others. - C.W.
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