81. Pundits

Possibly encouraged by the latest employment data, C.W. remains fixated on pursuing a professional career. After his stint as a motivational speaker “died a’borning,” he reappeared last evening in pretty much the same form, albeit with a toned-down haircut, and announced that he was going to be a pundit.

“A pundit?”

“Yes,” he said. “My inter-galactic perspective and superior intelligence make it a natural choice.”

I had to think about that for a moment.

“And besides,” he said. “This is a year in which you hold elections, so pundits are in great demand.”

“Along with tranquilizers,” I said.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. Now, tell me what you are going to pundit about?”

“Anything,” he said. “Anything at all. A pundit simply has to have an opinion. It’s the only real requirement other than minimal credentials. I can create those at will.”

“Just an opinion?”

“Yep. Ask my opinion on any topic.”

I thought. “How about world affairs?”

“The war in Iraq will be ending soon,” he said. “Both sides are exhausted and peace talks are imminent.”

“May I tell you something?” I asked.

“Certainly.”

“The Iraq War has ended. The troops came home last month.”

“Really?” he said and his face assumed a puzzled look. “Who won?”

“Nobody.”

“Somebody has to win in a war.”

”Not anymore.”

“Then what is the purpose?”

“You’re the pundit. You tell me.”

“Let’s move to another topic,” he said.

“How about the stock market?

“Oh,” he said. “One should never purchase stocks. Too risky.”

“Too risky?”

“Way too risky,” he thought for a moment. “As a majority of your Supreme Court justices were kind enough to point out, corporations are ‘people’ and one should never invest one’s money on the anticipation of how a person will behave.”

“Say again?” I was totally confused.

“It’s simple really,” he said. “I have discovered, over the last two years, that the race of homo sapiens occupying your country represents the most unpredictable organism that I have encountered in the universe.”

Stunned, I was.

He continued. “So, would you ever invest your hard-earned money on the hopes that a person under the stress of unforeseeable forces would behave it a certain manner?”

“You do have a point.”

“Yes, never invest in corporations.”

“How about politicians?”

“Them either. They say one thing one day and another thing the next. Stay away from them.”

“C.W.,” I began.

“I know,” he interrupted. “You can’t imagine how I became so astute.” He stopped and assumed an air of arrogance. “That’s just the way a pundit is.”

Punditry - if this sleazy sl ..., oops,
Big Dope won't let me say that.
If this "lady" can do it, anybody can. - C.W.

“No,” I said. “That wasn’t what I was thinking at all.”

“What, then?”

“I was just thinking that it is going to be a long year.”

“Great,” he said, boring into me with his eyes. “That means there will be lots of work for me.”

I sighed.

“Now about that Super Bowl game …”