Friday, December 10, 2010

33. Fan Mail

I allow C.W., in this posting, to respond to some of his many fans who have taken the time to send questions or comments via e-mail. Caveat: bear in mind as you read these that the greatest joy among Falloonians appears to be BS-ing anyone who will listen. With that in mind, enjoy yourself.

Studmonkey Three: Do Falloonians marry?
C.W.: Falloonians mate for life, as your species in American used to. We have three genders, however. One, Kolookas, are designed to become impregnated and then to bear and care for children, maintain feeding centers, and keep relaxation outlet bunkers orderly. The second, Prostones, are similar to your male. The third, Suprotonians, contain characteristics of both your male and female. Prostones and Suprotonians mate, based on similar interests and the measurement of a high degree of electrical impulses generated by their proximity. Either of them may impregnate a Kolooka, which they do periodically to maintain a stable population. Otherwise, the Prostones and Suprotonians mate for mutual satisfaction, study, and the enjoyment of Falloonian recreational outlets.

Ladiesdream: Why do you never carry firearms?
C.W.: Oh, I want a Glock so badly, but the Big Guy, Jimbo, won’t allow it. He claims I did some damage once with a slingshot but I’m sure he mistook someone else for me. Why don’t you talk to him?

Thebigevader: Why do you use the element of surprise so often? We always know it’s going to be you.
C.W.: To keep Big Guy in shape. Believe it or not, he used to be lithe and perky and once ran a marathon. Now he has devolved in to a fata(CENSORED.) I use surprise in an effort to keep him in shape.

Totaltanner: Why do you appear as an attractive woman so often?
C.W.: Because, in the words of America’s Number Two Media Darling, Bristol Palin: “I enjoy being a girl.” I only wish we were talking in person so I could mimic the version of that song she is preparing for her future appearance on “American Idol.”

Brushcutter: Why do you not ask many questions about our politics?
C.W.: Quite frankly, although Falloonians have had a recorded culture for over 6 billion years, can travel almost its entire extent, and converse with most of the universe’s cultures, we can make neither heads nor tails of your political system.

Big Sam: Don’t you find Americans to be the top dogs in every aspect among the cultures on earth?
C.W.: Of course that is what we are here to determine and I am only responsible for North America. But from our monthly meetings so far, the Albanians are well out in the lead in the attributes we consider important.

SecretLove: How do you explain your good luck in landing such a cultured and educated host as Big Guy Jimmie?
C.W.: Well there’s a Falloonian expression that translates roughly this way, “As long as people eat, there’s going to be s …”

Oops, that’s all we have time for today. Keep writing. See you next posting. Over and out.

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